Exasperating Exigencies of being Eby!

It is going to be a long, lonely Christmas

2011-12-22T18:09:00.000-06:00

A head resting on my forearm as we watch a movie..
A prop for a pillow, or target-practice for pillow fights..
Being beaten incessantly, most times for no reason!
Impromptu dance sessions, two pairs of left feet..
Slender fingers calming the most petulant of rages..
Warm hugs, a tender kiss..

...And as I say your name slowly, my hands instinctively trace the curve of your smile, the lone dimple right above your left cheek that gives your face the slightly lopsided look. The almond shaped cheekbones bordering a dainty nose that slopes to a pair of sensual lips. The chin is sharp and screams "stubborn" and the large teardrop shaped eyes seem always full of mischief. Silky brown hair, quick wit and a crooked smile, a smile that tells you a million things..

Stay here, with me. Just because I’ll miss you horribly if you leave.

Stay with me... as my dreams come to an end...
I promise I will not open my eyes..
Even as sunsets kiss me, even as tiny white roses bloom, even as the raindrops fall gently...
My eyes will stay closed, My dreams will stay... And I'm hoping so will you...

An Old Toy is discarded by children, as they grow up. And sometimes, an Old Toy isn't there to come back to. Just isn't. Maybe it found another child, maybe it found a home in the dumpster, out in the backyard. Threadbare, missing an eye/ear/limb and a sizeable chunk of dignity and self-respect, the Old Toy doesn't stop caring. Does stop showing it sometimes though.

You gave me smiles I'll cherish
I'll miss you terribly and I'll try my best never to show it

My blue pillow still has the sweet fragrance of your hair.. My sheets still have the warmth of your arms.. My bed is still eerie without you.. My forehead can still feel the softness of your lips.. My ears still hear your resounding heartbeat.. My mind is still haunted by the ghosts of the road not taken.. I still cry myself to sleep.. Through stolen hugs, hidden touch-es, ruffled hair, smiling eyes, cupped faces, long-drawn kisses, cold noses rubbed together, hands held firm, entwined fingers, tight lonely all-encompassing hugs..

It's raining.. Relentlessly.. Merciless, thick, pelting fat drops.. Sounds of my own retching.. A cold that has nothing to do with the cold.. A numbness starting from my fingertips, up my arm, down my spine, to leaden feet.. Blinded, exhausted, wounded, I'm crawling through the rain, clawing at myself..
My life is the biggest performance of my life..

You may not have broken my trust.. But trust is a fragile thing.. And you have shaken it beyond repair.. And you know that if our places were switched, you would have never forgiven me.. And that is common to both of us.
And I know I'm guilty of that which I gave you a hard time for.. And I'm not making excuses for it..
But I beseech you, and I pray that, you find it in yourself to forgive.. Not me, not the rest of the world, but yourself..

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.. But more than that, much more than that, I care..about you.. And I want that which is right for you.. And that is not me and I can live with it..

Yes, it had to end someday..
But not here.. Not now.. Not this way.. Not with me..

It cannot end like this.. Please God.. It cannot end like this..

Charred Letters

2011-08-31T04:15:00.003-05:00

I miss you. There are few people I want around me. Few people I've grown to love and trust and respect. I want them all around me. Near me. Ready to hug me when I want to be hugged. Ready to hold my hand through the night in the middle of nowhere. In my selfish little world, I want just these people in my life.

There was that time when we were talking so much, there was this pathetic part of me that would have fallen hook, line and sinker for you. At the risk of sounding like a Fascist, I want that shameless no-strings attached flirting back..

I've learnt that...there are times when you want someone to hear all that you have to say, to hear you cry..
And there are times when you want to curl up alone and just stay like that..
You were the only person I knew how to tell things to..

I don't claim to understand any part of what you've been through or are going through.. I don't claim to be your best friend who can just make everything else seem irrelevant with one little hug.. But I have 28 years of experience in turning away people who genuinely like me and care about me, and running after people who don't give a flying rat's ass about whether I live or die..
Things happen, people change, that I know.. I just don't want anything changing for the worse..

I do not want to hate. There is no part of me that wants that. Believe me. All hate does is maybe make you a good soldier. Makes you want to put every bullet smack in the middle of the other person's forehead! I do not want to hate.

..And there are smiles that do not reach the eyes

Memories streaking down the cheeks

Charred Letters waiting to be found

Closer than you know, nowhere around

Harsh as this may sound, let's get some things straight..
I'm not asking you to be "the friend I want".. Right now, or ever..
I'm not asking you to open up and/or talk to me..
Let's face it.. I'm bad at all that.. I can't set anything right, I cannot give advice, I cannot turn back time.. I'm not God.. I'm pretty much yet another average-Joe flawed human being..

I just want you to be okay.. It's been too long..way too long..
And you've been missed..

Insurmountable Distances

2011-08-17T23:39:00.001-05:00

I have broken through to people before.. Because I wanted to.. Because I tried.. And they did not resent me trying.. And it's the same with whoever else..

If I care, I'll try, I'll try every goddamn bit that I can try.. But if you keep shutting out people, you cannot expect them to always hang around and keep knocking on the doors you've slammed on their face.. Perseverance only lasts for so long.. Hope is a good thing and no good thing ever dies, yes.. It does fade out though..

Have you ever felt unwelcome? Like when you are with one of your closest friends and you feel a shift in a faraway place and a tide of unstoppable fate crashing into you, taking you away from this person?

Like when you talk to someone after ages and you realise that nothing has changed and yet nothing stayed the same? Like when you start feeling that the sarcasm you were used to for ages, now, for some reason, has an added level of scornful malevolence to it?

I'm tired of calling up, I'm tired of mailing, I'm tired of being the one keeping in touch.. I'm tired of being the fool, I'm tired of being the spare tyre, I'm sure-as-heaven tired of being a doormat..

I'm tired of being the phone call that's not answered..

I'm tired of being the message that is not replied to..

I'm tired of being out-of-sight-out-of-mind..

It doesn't make sense when we have had very few moments together and you remove those from memory, you know. And so I removed mine as well. It might not matter to you; it did matter to me. Still does. How do I forget about you? This whole writing spree is meant to help me come to terms with who I am. Honest, candid, rude, and most times, direct. That’s how I want to keep it here. Though there are times I’d rather wear a mask.

Am I meant just for amusement? Is that what you consider me, a jester? Someone whom you can talk to when there’s no one else, and then leave all of a sudden when you’ve got better people to spend your time with? Is that all???

The ache inside doesn't go away, the eyes don't stop burning, however much you cover it up with people, places, things.. You don't care, and I want to stop, I SO want to stop caring too.. But I can't. Simply because I'm not effing wired that way! There's the one voice that comes from the joke of an organ within my chest, the heart, that simply cries with every beat "WHYMEWHYTHIS". Then there's the brain that's much better, that makes a lot more sense, telling me to move on. Stupid brain is just not as loud as the heart.. The heart that feels like Christmas morning every time it thinks of you..

I don't want to be hard on anyone.. As much as I do profess it, I do not enjoy being mean or sarcastic.. If you love someone, you need to show it.. not by words, not even by action.. Just by being there.. By being around..

I don't have to say anything, I don't have to do something.. I just want to be the hand, you can slip your hand into, as we walk along, just for reassurance, just to keep warm, just to be your anchor..

I do need people.. I sorely miss not being with you.. I'm just really good at hiding it.. Maybe..

I’d rather be close to her and not be able to touch her, than be far away and still not be able to touch her. If only she could see the way I look at her..

Missing you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.. And I'm still doing it.. Convincing myself I don't like you and that I don't need you is next..

I miss you

I do

But are we meant to be together?

I so wish I knew

I pray..

for the courage to endure times of testing..

for the faith to keep anticipating, keep hoping, keep believing..

for the spirit to walk and not feel faint..

for the strength to run and not be weary..

for the patience to be patient.

Tchah!

2011-04-25T06:50:00.002-05:00

For all the hoopla and the ensuing panic I associated with flying, it turned out to be a complete non-event! And a back-breaking one, thanks to the seats that do not recline more than a degree!!

The only takeoffs I remember were from Hyderabad at night, when the city looked like a carpet of shimmering lights and then from Chicago to Fayetteville. Although, when we were due to land in Chicago, when the plane broke cloud cover, the sight was fabulous. It was like the world you build from a Lego set, except with even more colours!! Tiny houses, straight roads, little people and vehicles that were actually moving! The landing at Chicago could've been better though. There was a moment, I felt like I was definitely going to crash.

I do not want to feel like this. I do not want anyone capable of making me feel like I'm missing something in my life. I do not want to be incapable of keeping away. I want a fucking lobotomy, I do, I do.

I want to be someone who can genuinely feel happy for people without the least bit of resentment. I want to be able to give and give selflessly, without the slightest hint of expectation. I want to be like that family I met in that wayside church on Easter yesterday. They were playing basketball together and they invited me in to share their Easter lunch of homemade hamburgers. There was something about that warmth that repelled all the bleakness of the Bentonville climate.

I thank you, God.. For the little moments of joy like that.. Everyday.. It makes me want to smile at life..

Panic -> Laid Bare

2011-04-21T21:09:00.000-05:00

I'll be honest. I've never been inside a tube made of tons of steel, that is supposed to do something it wasn't meant to do in its natural state. Fly.

I'm scared. I'm shit-scared. I'm crapping-in-my-pants-with-every-step-that-I-take scared.

I know what you're thinking. 28 years old, working in IT, never flown, how come.. Yeah I get that reaction. It's not like I cannot afford it either. It's just that there never was a need. Every trip that I took, the journey has always been more fascinating than the destination. Which is why trains, buses and bikes have always been a more preferred "modus transporandi"! Be it a vacation, or simply dropping home someone you really really like! Which is why sometimes I insist on doing the latter (hint hint)!!

It's not like I'm headed to war-ravaged Bosnia. It's not like I'm going to any place where they are going to use me for target practice. It's an onsite assignment for a client I worked for 4 years ago. And I have friends and acquaintances there as well.

It isn't like I have not faced the unknown before. There was a time when I did not dance. My first dance in school was just for 30 seconds, to the Mumbhai track, where I had to come in as a chai-waala, do some steps and run back out! From there I got better.

The first time I choreographed was when I came to college. And that was a small step too, which grew over the years. My first full-scale choreography was just last year Parichay2010! And since then I have choreographed other dances where I wasn't even dancing. And (I think) I got pretty good at it!

Same was the case with writing. I'm not saying I'm the Pulitzer of writers, but (again I think) I'm pretty good! Read extensively, started writing poems in college, progressed to blog posts and eventually reached here.

Dance, writing, everything has had its modest beginnings. And that's the keyword - modest! "Modest" does not entail doing something for the first time and doing it on a scale that turns everything below my knees into pillars of jelly.

And if it wasn't bad enough already, the three other people from other DCs, who were supposed to fly to the same location this weekend, aren't flying. So 25th April 2011 is going to be me, facing a new place, a new client, new tasks, without so much as an abdomen guard..

Flying! Onsite! Tranquilizers please!!

Older, Wiser, and Not-So-Much

2011-04-04T09:21:00.015-05:00

Dear Lord,

Help me become whoever YOU created me to become. Help me so that I have nothing to do with the people around me, their culture, their upbringing, their (questionable) standards, their hypocrisy, their knack of taking credit for somebody else's efforts. Help me so that I grow up to be nothing at like them. I want to be known for YOU shining through me. Thank you for making me, ME. I wouldn't change a thing. :)

Alright, maybe I would change a few things.. Alright, maybe more than a few.. Maybe a LOT more than a few!

A small part of me thought this blog would end soon. I even had a post, that I thought I'd post some day, as a fitting epitaph. I have abandoned this blog so many times, let it drift and lie fallow, like my workouts, my dance, my love life; damn thing just doesn't let go...

Now since this blog is a shrine to my narcissism, here are a few things people really really ought to know

1) I hate unasked-for advice. Career, Love, Career, Social Life, Career, Colour-running-from-my-jeans, Career, everything and anything else. I hate gyaan, when I have not asked for it, simply because that means you assume you are better than me and THAT assumption simply makes you an obnoxious pompous little bleep in my eyes. Do not be surprised if I stop picking up your calls. I've done it to quite a few people without actually being nasty to them and I'm getting quite good at it!

2) I hate out-of-context humour. Humour that is so wannabe it makes me wonder why the one who possesses it does not puke on (him/her)self. For eg, I'm in a super-depressed mood, and I write a couple of lines and put it up as my FB status. If you put comments, that are supposed to be slapstick hilarious, like "Drunk? Passed out already?" or "Yeh kis kitaab se chhaapa hai bey", I WILL delete them. My profile, my status, pretty much my fiefdom!

3) I'm not a loner, like everyone thinks. I like to spend time alone, yes, I do hate social networking, like being online on gmail or facebook, yes, but I'm not averse to gatherings. I just don't talk much and I'm socially retarded, and because of that, I often get conscious if the other person doesn't talk. It gives me the impression that I'm a major bore. Not a good feeling when you're not exactly overflowing with self-confidence. I am (I think!) a good listener.

4) I love compliments. Face it, who doesn't! I don't want people fawning over me, no (unless 'people' means buxom blondes maybe :P), but compliments, getting credit for something you managed to accomplish, always a good thing!

5) I am the happiest staying away from home! I never get homesick, never ever.

6) Imagine you call a good friend. Imagine the person at the other end says they're in the middle of something and that they will call you back. Imagine they don't. Imagine that to have happened a month ago and still counting. Imagine the sheer ire and humiliation coursing through your veins. And now imagine me in your place. Enough said. Maybe I'm being a baby, then again maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm one of those that garnered a mention in #1. I think I'll go back to being an insensitive clod.

7) I'm a homophobe. Of the highest order. I really don't like it when guys try to hold my hand (not even my family) while walking. I do not like it if guys swat me on the shoulder playfully, the way girls would, at some witty remark. Makes me want to throw myself into disinfectant.

8) I could go on, but if you've managed to read this litany till here, I like you already, so I'll spare you, not because I'm magnanimous, but because I have run out of things to say. Later, maybe.

I'm drained. Like I've reached the dead-end of a cul-de-sac and I haven't the energy or the inclination to take a U-turn. And yet, I continue to claw at the wall, knowing I may not break through, and trying when I know I can't. Goals are not always meant to be reached, they often serve simply as something to aim at.

And in the midst of the despair, your voice keeps coming back. The sound of hope to me.. the most beautiful and welcome thing I had ever heard in my life.. As if the song were inside me, instead of around me.. A sound connected to longing, unwavering trust, unbreakable promises, baby voices.. Like a whisper of love in my ear..

I owe you an explanation.. An explanation of my mistakes. For I see now what I’ve done, and what I’ve not done, with regard to you, bear all the hallmarks of the failings of integrity.. Moral integrity.. Perhaps I cannot know how you think and feel.. But I am guilty if I forget what it is to be you.. And I seem to have forgotten lately.. In distancing myself from you, I was trying, and failing, to protect you..

Breaks your heart doesn't it..? Seeing the one you see, look at someone else with a certain vulnerability, and wishing, desperately inside, that they looked at you the same way.. Rips you apart inside...It’s as if something large and scaly erupted into life in my stomach, clawing at my insides.. Blood flooding into my head, extinguishing all conscious thought, replaced by the urge to simply pound something into jelly.. Disoriented, dizzy, like maybe how you would feel if you were struck by a lightning bolt.. And everytime you touch me.. we touch.. the monster inside my chest purrs, there’s a swooping sensation in my stomach that’s got nothing to do with falling, goosebumps that have nothing to do with cold..

When I laugh at something you say, I'm glad just to have an innocent reason to look at you some more.. I cannot help myself talking to you, laughing with you, walking with you... However much my conscience aches, I keep catching myself wondering..

New Year Nuggets (of Wisdom?)

2011-01-03T14:00:00.006-06:00

I'm no saint.. Truth be told, I wouldn't qualify for the back benches of a canonization classroom.. And this has been the case starting from the age of three when I threw my brother's toy jeep into the sewer outside to fifteen minutes ago when I filched a ten-rupee coin from a blind beggar's bowl (in my defence, it wasn't the money, I just have a magpie-like affinity for shiny objects).

My performance is abysmally dismal when it comes to handling (sob) stories involving love, tears and estranged relationships. And this is very thing that makes it unsuitable for my "handling". You see , 'Louwww' stories are for people who look good, exchange romantic text messages and have a colorful agenda on February the 14th (not to be confused with Friday the 13th). A guy like me, whose total duration of exposure to romance is just about equal to the time Rakhi Sawant spent in how-not-to-make-a-wanton-fool-of-oneself training, just can't relate to too much of love.

I mean, if Harrison Ford is made to sit through a screening of "Daaku Haseena" (Starring Banno Rani in a never-seen-before , and never-seen-after dynamite role) , or vice versa, if Sushma Swaraj is made to sit in the front row for a show of Forrest Gump, how can they relate to something they don't understand?

Since my phone's camera has gone bust, I've been thinking of getting myself a digital camera. Though an owner of a very unphotogenic personality myself (I have been advised to cover my face with a piece of cloth whenever I go out unless I want to scare kids), I think a camera is always a good investment . It helps build memories and prove to your grandkids that you were not born with wrinkles and a bent spine. Not that I intend to have grandkids, but still ;) Like Dummy says, we could always adopt :D

In the 28 years of my life, after having experienced whatever I have, from the pain of having managed to cut myself 8 times during a single shave session to the high of making it through a dance without tripping over my own feet, from the excitement of having given someone a blank call to the terror of her dad finding out my number and calling me back, I have realised a thing.. Life moves on.. Sometimes before we do.. That I'm traversing through the years, bungling my way through life, having set out with nothing and one day, ending it with nothing.. You do well, the echo of the deafening applause eventually dies down. Venomous comments lose their sting in a while. Pretty faces very often reveal an (f)ugly soul. Broken promises are more often the loftiness of our own expectations than someone else's failure.

Reality...the Bitch.. Note the capital B.. With all the gracefulness and subtlety of a wrecking ball, it slams into the walls of your head, leaving the things you once believed in, lying in smithereens around your feet. The high impenetrable walls you had built around your heart had their foundations in a swamp. Everything that you had convinced yourself against had confronted you. And the truth is that maybe you let it happen. That maybe you wanted it to happen.

Although we have a lot in common, good fences still make good neighbours.

Alright, I admit.This entire post is a series of non-sequiturs.

What kind of a justification is that? I don't know!! Before you tell me to buzz off, faster than Superman AND the speeding bullet, I'm gone!

I've Learnt That

2010-08-25T10:56:00.001-05:00

I’ve learnt that…sometimes, my best experiences are my worst mistakes
I’ve learnt that…sometimes, being right still makes you the loser
I’ve learnt that...sometimes, I could do things just because some said I couldn’t
I’ve learnt that...sometimes, living well is the greatest revenge

I’ve learnt that...you can be by yourself in a crowd
I’ve learnt that...sometimes, you are given a dream, without the power to make it come true
I’ve learnt that...you can be alone, yet not lonely
I’ve learnt that...thinking of you when I’m lonely makes me content being alone

I’ve learnt that...bravery is being the only one who knows you are afraid
I’ve learnt that...courage is knowing you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose
I’ve learnt that...just because you’re necessary, doesn’t mean you’re important
I’ve learnt that…sometimes, people treat you like you’re invisible, until they actually want something

I’ve learnt that...that you can care about someone and yet they wouldn’t care
I’ve learnt that...you can run all you can, run some more, and still get nowhere
I’ve learnt that...you can close your eyes, think of someone and say a little prayer
I’ve learnt that...you can look into her heart and wish that you were there

I’ve learnt that...it’s hard to let someone go when you are not sure how you feel about them
I’ve learnt that...not letting go can pull you down
I’ve learnt that…a smile, a call, a mail from her can make my day and simultaneously sadden me
I’ve learnt that...sometimes, a smile is a veil for a grimace

I’ve learnt that...someone falling asleep at that perfect spot on your shoulder is the most peaceful feeling on earth
I’ve learnt that...you can wish good for someone even if you don’t feel good about it
I’ve learnt that…sometimes, there is no “special someone” to be found, and you have to become the one…or something like one
I’ve learnt that...Faith is a hard thing to come by…but it still can work wonders

I’ve learnt that...disregarding a certainty does not turn it into a possibility
I’ve learnt that...someday you can catch yourself wishing the person you love never existed
I’ve learnt that...I’d rather be me than be someone else’s idea of what I should be
I’ve learnt that...one day my life will flash through before my eyes and I have to make sure it’s worth watching

I’ve learnt that...sometimes, the road less travelled is less-travelled for a reason
I’ve learnt that...sometimes, I can’t choose my circumstances but I can choose what to do with/about it
I’ve learnt that…someday the laughter will return to my eyes
I’ve learnt that...I’m no longer afraid of goodbyes

Lessons in Courtesy

2010-05-12T11:33:00.002-05:00

Things you should and should not do as a fellow cubicle-er:

1. When talking on the desk phone, irrespective of whether you are talking to onsite, to your kid/spouse/parents or to the maid in your house, please keep your decibel levels to a limit that ensures your voice reaches the receiver. Currently, the only people who are unable to squirm when you talk are the cremated and the interred.

2. When attending to personal calls on your cell phone, especially with your spouse, please make it a practice to move away from the cubicle and converse. People who understand Telugu start smirking 2 minutes into your conversation, and later provide me with a vivid translation of the same, despite my vociferous protests and robust attempts to block my hearing.

3. When making a call from my VoIP phone, please do not use the speaker if you are the only person at this end, just so that you can rest your massive forearms on my desk, on my chair or on my shoulders. None of these "beasts of labour" are resilient enough to withstand the load or the "sweet fragrance" emanating from certain places. Oh, and if you happen to be standing behind me, please do not press up against me. I'm single, I'm not desperate. And you are married and have a kid. Of SEVEN years!

4. Privacy is a much-sought form of freedom, as is the Freedom of Expression. While you are free to look about as much as you want, please desist from exercising the liberty to view my screen when you are using my phone or when you just happen to be sneaking up behind my back. Who I'm chatting with, what mails/documents/programs/websites I have open or the big fat stain of your drool on the back of my shirt are none of your concern.

5. If I have a pack of cookies/wafers/anything-palatable-to-your-all-consuming-appetite on my desk, please make the effort to ask me before digging in. Your effort will be a rhetorical one, rest assured, but the no-formalities-with-me approach can be exercised by only a few people and you are not one of them.

6. When in a conference room, attending status calls and the like, please stop staring at me, or in my general direction if you are staring into space. It makes me want to push my fingers through my nose and pop my eyes out. Please look at the beautiful golf course and the lavish open fields and hills stretching away into oblivion, right next to B18-19.

7. My name is EBY, pronouced AE-BE! Not YE-BE or YA-BE! And definitely not E-BAY! BLEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!! I love my name, please do not turn it into a grotesque nightmare!

PS: I do not use the term "cubicle-mate", because the monstrosity of a female, sitting diagonally opposite to my seat in my cubicle, is not my mate (meaning 'friend')!

PPS: Despite the title, I am aware that this post is anything but courteous

PPPS: Being Nice is one Vice I totally do not suffer from!

Feeling: Unsure

Listening: Aa Jao Meri Tamanna

Eby and his Idiosyncrasies

2010-04-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

What is it with some people and their innate propensity for drama??? Just WTF!

News Flash 1: Eby is never online on GTalk. Period. Never. Ever. So if there is a green colour blinking away to glory next to Ebyster on your GTalk list, it is a small (in)significant cog of a massive cosmic conspiracy, because Eby is never online! Eby is always invisible on GTalk. If Eby is ever actually online, he will respond to your ping even if the response doubles up as an expletive! Unless you are Mamta Kulkarni or worse. So if you find Eby not responding to your pings, do not call Eby up and start yelling at him (going all shrill and whiny IS yelling), because that is bound to get him angry and he will label your behaviour as "melodrama", which it is.

News Flash 2: Eby is old school! He becomes drowsy by 6 in the evening and nods off at 8PM. And yes he wakes up at 4AM. So if you call Eby after 8 in the evening and he does not pick up, it means he has slept. Would you really want him to call you back at 4AM, when he wakes up?? You don't think so? Well, neither does he.

News Flash 3: Eby has never been fond of long conversations on the phone, unless it's with someone he really really likes. Platonic or non-platonic. Butterfly calls me, I love talking to her, I will talk for hours. My brother calls me, I will talk for hours. My best friend calls me, I will talk to her for days! So if YOU call him up and say (in a cloying voice) "BOLO", he has nothing to "bolo", if he had something to "bolo", he would have called you up and done the "bolo". I mean, Jesus Christ, do people never realise that sometimes they act like the humanoid equivalent of Valium???

News Flash 4: Eby does not like being taken for granted. There are very few people who have that liberty. Actually two. My brother and my best friend. So if you think you can stand by quietly while your pathetic boyfriend (who, by the way, is also a pathetic excuse for a human being) can threaten Eby about his balls not remaining in place, and Eby will grin and bear it, you are wrong. If you think, you can disown Eby and get away with it, you are wrong. If you think you can explain all the crap away with a "I took you for granted only because I trust you so much Eby" (Did you even listen to this when you said it???), you are wrong!

News Flash 5: Eby is an insanely private person, where "insanely" is insanely insufficient in instantiating the intended intensity!! He does not like irrelevant trivia about him being sold like hot cakes to the rest of the world, for eg: which book Eby got from his brother when he came to Pune. He also doesn't like suddenly being handed the phone from which you have called up some mutual acquaintance, especially if that acquaintance happens to be a pretty girl, who, because of this out-of-the-azure-blue call, might equate Eby with the word "CREEP"!

Oh and if you assume all this is pertaining to you only then you are wrong! All this has been written about a lot of people. You are not the center of the universe. A person can be pissed about a lot of things. So if you ask him, "What did I do now?" or something similar, you are bound to piss him off a lot more. His world does NOT revolve around you.

Corny, sincere request, no corny comments please! You don't want to be lambasted, left, right, centre and, for good measure, up the centre as well.

Feeling: How do you put "AAARRRGGGHHH" in words?

Listening: Diagon Alley - John Williams

The Religion called Hypocrisy

2010-01-25T20:23:00.003-06:00

This may seem like a sequel to the last post, but it wasn't intended as a follow-up... This post isn't worthy of even holding up a candle to the sheer brilliance of that one! This was brought on by a completely different set of events...

Prologue: I am a firm believer (wasn't always, though) in the Higher Power thing, and I choose to worship that deity as Jesus. So you could say, I'm an ardent follower of Jesus, but does that make me a devout Christian...? Negative!

Disclaimer: Content that follows is sure to rile up the church-going, God-fearing Christians and probably even my parents the day they read it, but well, I always scored poorly in the "aiming to please" classes :)

I've always had qualms about the way the Church has fallen from being the Temple of the Lord to becoming exactly the kind of place from which Jesus drove out merchants who had turned it into "a hideout for thieves", in Matthew 21:12-13...

I remember this particular time I had been to some church in Trivandrum, when some church elections were going on there... Frankly, it was disconcerting to see alleged men of the faith running around handing out flyers saying "I'm contesting for finance head of the diocese, please vote for me"... And these are the people who are supposed to be shepherds to us lost sheep! What the bleeeep!

Rather than a place where believers gather to sing praises to the Lord, the church has become yet another establishment that takes in money in the name of God and doles out canonization to people who close their eyes, flutter their eyelids and in loud voices claim to have received a vision!

Jesus was born a Jew and in all the prophecies regarding Him, He was also hailed as King of the Jews. Yet He never said that he had come solely to save the Jews, did He? He came to save those who believed in Him. To Him, it did not matter whether the person who came to Him was a Gentile, a Roman, a Samaritan or a charlatan. His love was unconditional. Why then does the church have an ID check installed on it's doorsteps??

Non-Christians who go to church are still looked down upon from the awfully long, high-and-mighty noses of member Christians. Back at the church at home, after the service got over, the priest read out the letter of a non-Christian guy, who had married a Christian and expressed an interest in converting and joining the church. The priest proceeded to royally ridicule the applicant, his intentions, his marriage and his English, and all this from the pulpit of the church.

Such are our evangelists. Those that claim to go-spel the Word of the Lord. Sent to gather the lost sheep, they make fun of those whose only fault were that they were not born into a Christian household. And they make fun of a person's writing, when they themselves cannot put together a grammatically correct sentence in English, using multi-syllable words.

I am as close to attaining salvation as Kabul is to Barbados here. But I think I'll go to Hell knowing that for once I stood up for what He believed in.

Feeling: Distressed

Listening: Rocky Road to Dublin - Young Dubliners

In Defense of Hypocrisy

2009-11-18T09:40:00.002-06:00

Disclaimer: Written by a fellow InfyBlogger of the PotpourriForMySoul fame :) Since I'm not what you'd call "a good writer" (self-deprecation, yaay!), I'm showcasing brilliant efforts of others!

In Defense of Hypocrisy
Yes, you read it right! Am I advocating it? Maybe. I wouldn’t say it out if I were, would I now? That’s the mark of a true hypocrite.

Let us face the truth. If it weren’t for hypocrisy, it’d be a battlefield out here. The neighbor who irritates you, the boss who’s after your life…they’d all be dead by now! Venom coated in honey does the trick. Hypocrisy makes the world a safer, a better place.

This is why I smile at you when all I want to do is slit your throat. It saves me a lot of energy and you, a lot of trouble. You say you’re a saint. I believe you. You smile at that girl you like and say you’ll be there for her. And then you realize you have to look out for yourself. So you conveniently shrug your shoulders and forget it all. The kid who cons you with his smile is one too. All he wants is your attention. He just pretends it’s your love. The politician says he’s going to save us all, we trust him, but both know that the words uttered are hollow. Even God is caught up in the game as he sees his coffers fill up.

Superficial is the word! You may deny it all you want. I, unlike you, am not afraid to say this. I laugh when all I want to do is break down. I do things which I think aren’t right. I put up with strangers who think I am nice. There are emotions I cannot make sense of and do not want to make sense of. Ridicule me, laugh at me! However, I have the last laugh. I am what I want you to believe I am. I strip my soul, and find I’m just another hypocrite!

P.S. My mood is at odds with my piece! But then, this hypocrite is up on a rainbow and refuses to wake up! :)

Sigh... This is so spiteful, so up-yours! Now when will I learn to write like this?

Feeling : Cranky

Listening : Temperature - Sean Paul

To the nice guys

2009-11-06T10:19:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: No way can I get close to writing my heart out in this brilliant a fashion; this is merely my way of paying homage to someone else's brilliance :)

This is a tribute to the nice guys.

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it.

This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.

Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.

Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

-An article from the Wharton undergrad school magazine

Note from BlogAuthor:

GuysLikeThat – Self-Respect matters, more than anything else!

GirlsLikeThat – Go drown yourselves!

Speed Demon

2009-11-02T10:14:00.004-06:00

Gachibowli to Shangrila Plaza beyond Jubilee Hills checkpost in 20 minutes, at 6:30PM rush hour traffic on a Monday evening... Either I'm Schumacher or I'm suicidal :D:D:D

Sometimes I scare myself and my pillion rider with my driving :P Rash driving generally happens only when I'm driving alone, but in this case a friend had to get to class at 7PM, so that looked like a job for Superman; for the faster-than-a-speeding-bullet part, not the muscles-of-steel part... Although I do have a hide like a rhino's :P

I used to be an idealist once upon a time... Atleast for some close to ten years I used to call myself an idealist... I had dreams of a better world... I had a strong social consciousness... I did not worry about where money came from and went to... And now I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where or when the change came... When was idealism beaten out of my conscience...

I learnt to move on in life... and I'm still learning... I'm learning to pick up the shards of my dreams and start all over again, even from scratch if I have to... Standing on the edge of the cliff is easy, there is always a beautiful world in front of me, as long as I manage not to fall :)

Life's doesn't offer anything on a platter to anyone.. Have to come to terms with that!

Damn... I feel like I just wrote a premise for the next reality show featuring Rakhi Sawant and Rahul Mahajan! I will blame this on unexplained celestial movements and my adrenalin-fueled drive in the evening :D

Feeling : Drained

Listening : Tanha Tanha - Rangeela

What's in a Name

2009-10-31T14:27:00.003-05:00

I suppose Shakespeare was the one who said "What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell just as sweet."

Now while I do not harbour any uncertainty whatsoever about the literary genius of this bloke, I have serious doubts about his interpersonal skills!! If he were to refer to the rose as, say, a shoe-flower, the rose would object, if it could, to having that, which the referrer would wear while stepping through dung, in its name...

Similarly, if I had a girlfriend (big IF, yes, but go along with me here :P), and in the process of making love to her, if I happen to shout out another feminine name, rest assured, she would have quite a bit of shouting to do too!

My name, for example, is an infrequently encountered one and often the butt of horrid humour (ABCD on the lines of Sue-kar mere mann ko)... And yet I do not like mutated monikers like Ebay, Aby, Abey, Jhon or Thamas! Shortened forms like 'Eb' are fine, I have a friend who calls me that too :)

Right, discourse over! I'm having the time of my life, with a set of friends I have never even seen or met in real life, courtesy InfyBlogs! The last two weeks have been tummy-ripping hilarious, over mails, communicator and blog posts! I'm sure when we eventually meet, the maximum they will laugh because of me will be because I will be standing, blissfully unaware that my fly is open :$

I just remembered that I started this post because I wasn't sleepy :D And now sleep is starting to flit in so much that I'm hoping to fall asleep as I write! I only hope I don't drool over the keyboard, else my hard-earned laptop will give up it's ghost, like my old mobile (which, to my utter dismay, wasn't designed to handle my weight :P)

Speaking in officially cold terms, I have been released from my project, but still am blocked for the same account... Of course, I still hear the Gandhian speech about being productive and not "having fun in the project at the expense of others"... And that comes from a person who has two faces, as different as night and later-that-night... It's just funny, painfully funny... Or maybe just painful :D

This guy now officially tops my list of "People to kill before I'm 40", closely followed by Kareena Kapoor!! And owing to incidents mentioned previously on this blog, a certain person has climbed to the third spot and is sniffing Kareena's neck currently :P Sometimes I wonder how many to-be-butchered lists, I have a prestigious place in!! Well, doesn't matter, as long as they get my name right!!

What's in NaME?? ME for starters!!

Feeling : Insomniac!

Listening : Saawan mein lag gayi aag - Mika

Reality Sucks... Bigtime

2009-10-19T10:26:00.003-05:00

At some points over the years, rather at many points over the years, we all have definitely had dreams about how our life was going to turn out... Almost 27 now, this is definitely not where I pictured myself!

Academics/Career:
While my fantasies decidedly did not involve a mansion in Bora-Bora, or a buxom blonde who'd regard me as the greatest thing since sliced bread (umm.. maybe the latter :D), it did revolve around a vocation which I'd love to pursue. Unfortunately I haven't been able to find out what that is, in the last 26 years.

Currently I'm stuck in a job that I do not mind one bit, though it does involve reporting to one particularly nasty specimen of the human race. An outstanding example of spineless sycophancy liberally garnished with slimy hypocrisy!

Strike One!

Non-platonic relationships:
Biggest catastrophe EVER. Single since 1982, destined to remain so!

My problem is that I'm not a peoples person. Period. So if someone calls me on the phone and starts wailing after the customary 'Hello', the kindest thing I can do for her is probably slam the phone, and the cruelest, that would be trying to help her out with advice.

And the worst part is the crappy Malayalam soap emotional drama monologues "You are not the same, Eby", "All guys are the same" punctuated with sobs of a size that would solve the water problems of Somalia. Let it be known that the only things I like fat are my bean bags, my grilled chicken and my utopian paycheque.

I want to be with the woman I love, not just on some crappy Valentine's day, but everyday... And I want her to love me back... And then I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never going to happen... Joey, yeah, but still bullseye...

Strike Two!

The next pitch:
Homerun or will I hear "Strike Three! You're out!"?

Curiosity killed the centaur :P

Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol" sucks major :(

"Stop Lying"?? Really??

2009-09-30T09:11:00.007-05:00

P: Sad to see you are still in touch with Eby
M: I'm not in touch with anyone. I'm just looped as part of Parichay mails.

People are ashamed to admit that they friends with me.. People were warned NOT to forward Parichay Hyd mails, yet they forwarded them... And then people are wondering why they aren't looped in Parichay Hyd mails anymore..

If Hypocrisy had a face, you know whose it'd be... Sometimes Silence is a placid front for a raw, festering open wound... Prodding that can unleash Hell... When you point a finger at someone else, make very sure that your hands are clean...

I'm not someone that anyone can piss off and get away with... I might stay quiet for sometime, but does not mean you have done something worthy of the fucking Nobel Peace Prize... I rip apart strangers and morons who mess with me and I stay quiet when it comes to friends, but THAT DOES NOT MEAN I will let you climb on to my head and do the fucking Taandav... I can be your best friend, I can be your worst nightmare...

Oh, and FYI, that little conversation mentioned above is the reason I stepped down from Parichay chairpersonship... There was never any crap onsite... The event means a lot to me, but my self-respect means a lot damn more...

Sunset Boulevard

2009-09-04T10:50:00.004-05:00

Can't you just sometimes hear it in my voice when I talk to you?

Can't you sometimes just figure out that it is difficult for me to tell you that the most beautiful part of my day is when I see you smile??

Can't you realise that sometimes all I need to do to feel at peace is to just look at your face?

Can't you see that sometimes I just want to hear your voice, even if it's you just yelling at me?

Somehow you just never understand that until it's too late and the moment passes you by.

Yeah guys can be romantic too, they just don't get ample opportunities ;)

No I'm not suffering from goopy mush inside my head, whatever was there has already been chundered out onto this post :P

Parichay's been happening, and shit at work's been hitting the roof, so life's been pretty much humdrum. This year's team is better than last year's on the attitude front, but nowhere close on the committment front. All the constant postponing of the show isn't helping out much either, but we can blame on the good old pigs.

Gypsy!!

2009-07-14T00:53:00.003-05:00

In case you (the subject) ever see this post, please mail me an invite to your blog!

Mail it to ebyster@gmail.com please!!

Hey the-rest-of-you :) Well, I haven't found the time to write after the last normal post, after which to make up for the absence, I deluged this blog with the most mundane and depressing of the poems I had written

But I was did read the blogs I follow regularly, and this post was prompted because Gypsy decided to relegate her blog to selected clientele! So Gypsy, please mail me an invite :)

Well, let's see, what has happened after the last normal post I wrote... Got my US visa stamped, went to Wayanad for a 4-day Christmas vacation, got interviewed on the radio, yelled at my manager, watched less-deserving people go onsite when I should have been sent, watched my younger brother go onsite and return as well, hoped to get married, fell flat on my face, became chairperson for Parichay, almost went onsite, so lost out on the chairperson-ship, and now am breaking my head trying to make people come for practice regularyly..

Wow, so shit has happened, hit the fan, rained down again, and resumes an infinite cycle....

Awesome... started blogging a bit on Infyblogs too... Some new poems too, to be put up in due time... And regular blogging to resume as soon as humanly possible...

Damn Damn Damn!

Too Smart for one's own good

2008-12-09T20:22:00.002-06:00

HydCreative had some rules imposed on it, one of which was the English-only policy... No more Hindi, or any other language for that matter... Someone then came up with this mockery...

I wanted a power cut on a full moon night
To search the moon in the brightness of my love’s face.

Original version:
ngsh;zkp ,utd;W ‘gth; fl;’ Ntz;bNdd; - vd;
ngz;zpytpd; ntspr;rj;jpy; ntz;zpyitj; Njl

Comments are always welcome. This post has every right to be deleted by the moderators. Posting the original version as I felt the essence is lost in English.

Well, being the moderator, and moreover being ME, I couldn't let this pass unanswered. So :D

Originally written in the language of my home planet Nostewpidpeeplearaoondapolis:

SDFH$T%^Q£$$^WDFGWER
DFGW$%^£$%WQWFG”$%^£%”£$%^”£RTDFG
SDFH$^*$%£$TWDDFG”$%^”£$Q”$£^%^
FG£$%^”TQEG”^”£$
£$%DFG”£%FQ$%”£$%
“£$FG”$%TYRRTBGdf654651354
sFs%^fg%$^SFGH$dfgh5geg$%£FGS
DGF£$%WFST£

It is short in that script because the Nostewpidpeeplearaoondapolisian alphabet there has 2034 characters compared to 26 of the English alphabet.

English Translation:

Someone thinks he is way too bright
To be posting a mockery in his demeanour uptight
Well guess what, it doesn’t go with everyone’s appetite
So here’s my response, dripping with spite

The reason for the English-only policy
Is not to restrict creativity
But then you never know what is original and what is piracy
So how can you expect the moderators to do their job in all its sanctity?

I have with me a Bhojpuri Poem, of a long-dead poet
I will post it and claim it’s something I wrote when I took my dog to the vet
The (poor) moderators will not have a Bhojpuri expert on board
So I will be getting away with a theft in daylight broad

If Hindi is allowed, then Telugu should be too
This is the argument used, by many, not few
So Telugu isn’t in and Hindi’s out as well
To have posts in a language that everyone can speak and tell

If English doesn’t cover the sense you tried to portray
Then add the prefix of ‘non-’ and send it on its way
Till then hold your peace and let me hold mine
Else I will never earn the Lord’s mercy divine

Damn Essence lost in translation, but I’m sure it still hurts where it’s supposed to… Compliments accepted whole-heartedly!

Planet name courtesy was Corny A.K.A Ashwin Alexander. I wanted to use the name he suggested initially (Skrewyemorawn), but couldn't due to restrictions of propriety :P

Sapped of Strength

2008-11-16T16:13:00.003-06:00

Hmmm... Someone has deleted her blog (or merely changed the URL) after getting harsh feedback... And then people ask me to not be sensitive...

So basically any crap bullshit said to my face is to be taken quietly, as "positive/constructive criticism", and if I do the same thing, I'm being harsh??? Yeah that makes as much sense to me as Family planning makes to Laloo Prasad Yadav...

I expected a certain testimonial to disappear as well, now let's see how long that lasts...

I'm tired of being strong for everyone else's sake... I don't have the strength to be strong anymore... I just don't...

There are times when I need my Guardian Angel around too... Nobody realises that some people expend a tremendous amount of energy to merely be normal... I do... To put up a front of everything being absolutely normal and fine, when inside I'm bleeding, crying, dying...

Didn't eat the whole of yesterday... Felt hungry sometime around eight... But hunger died too... My body didn’t complain... just suffered silently.

I remember doing this once a long time ago too... Pushing myself like this... My system retaliated with an unbearable cramp... I punished it by offering it nothing but more alcohol for two more days... Came to my senses after that...

Yesterday it rained like crazy here... Some cyclonic thing... I went driving... Yes Em I did, I just had to... It's like there are moments when a different person takes over me...

I wouldn't say it's some split personality thing is in control... I am fully conscious of whatever I am doing, it's just that I'm helpless to not go along with it... Maybe a part of me wants me to go along...

I did not take any jacket either... Just a t-shirt, tracks, floaters and a helmet... I love that feeling of the cold, biting rain soaking me to the bone;
As I struggle to keep my fingers from turning lifelessly numb while manoeuvring the bike;
As I let my jaw shake uncontrollably while squinting to see through the pouring rain;
As my body shivers violently to generate the heat it needs to keep me from falling off from severe hypothermia...

Got back at 3 in the morning... And I'm sitting and writing this... Let's see if I'm still capable of going to work 5 hours later... Goodnight...

Feeling : Escapist

Listening : Teri Yaadein Aati hai - Lucky Ali

Aaargh...

2008-11-15T14:25:00.003-06:00

Don't play the "best friend"/"good friend" card too often or with too much damn indiscretion... If a person does not want to talk, it means he/she does NOT want to talk... So don't keep bugging them, saying "Kya hua", "Kyun hua", blah blah blah... The person is more likely to unleash hell upon you than his/her troubles...

You want to be a friend, then be there for the other person, but don't rudely invade their space...

Just because you want to be completely open with a person, tell them everything that's happening with your life, doesn't make you right in expecting the other person to do the same...

Corny: I DID NOT like what you did, on the last post... I don't care if you were bored... Don't push me into lashing out at you, the way I lash out at many other morons on the BB... I don't want to dude, so please please please don't push me...

Jay: DO NOT tell me what to do, what not to do... I write whatever I write from the heart, I write my bloody truth... I cannot bring myself to write about what I'm not... I can act in front of the world, with a big plastic smile stuck to my face, I cannot do that when I'm writing... And yes you are pushing the limits of your humour... Please keep your homosexual jokes to yourself, please do not crack them around a certified homophobe (me)... You may find them funny, I think they are DISGUSTING...

People do not like being taken for granted. You cannot always say whatever shit u want and get away with it… I have told u before Jay, that there is a limit to which I will take yours or anyone’s humour… Do not push my patience… I have said this before, I can be a nice guy and I can be the meanest SOB ever… and I hate being pushed…

You both will not like all this that I just said... Guess what, I did not like what you both did either... I hated it...

Sis pinged me sometime back and said "You're sad for some reason.. Kya hua bhaiya?" You're right Sis... I am... just am... can't say what because I dont' know myself... It's just a time when I want to cut myself off from everyone...

I know you want to help Sis... But I cannot talk about it to anyone... not even to myself... or to my reflection... I know you're worried... but right now all I want to do is vanish... disappear... vamoose...

Forgive me for not replying Sis... I can't bring myself to do that... I'm sorry...

There is just one person who can get to me right now... and she ain't there...

Drowning in my lungs...
Burning up in my own misery...
Discarding all that serves me good...
Bigoted beyond the shadow of a joke...
My yesterdays walk with me. They keep step, they are gray faces that peer over my shoulder.
I happen to know you and know myself... My image... In different flesh...
I watch you with hazed eyes.. I watch as if I don't want it to matter...
I shout, I yell, I fight... With you, beside you... For you...
But what do I do if You aren't listening?

A perfect room, a near-perfect wardrobe, clean sheets, folded covers, books in their designated places, a Bible... Mute witnesses to a memorable evening...

24hours later, there are raindrops on one side of my window pane and teardrops on the other side... Beating down mercilessly... Blind shadows, screaming in the dark, as Bee lies, with his eyes wide open... A pillow and the bedsheets, soak the melancholy water of his eyes, tearing at the heart of the pouring sky outside, as the music plays to a shattered soul...

This is a story of Separation... Loneliness... and Love...

Feeling : A sense of Pyrrhic Victory

Listening : Hallowed be Thy Name

Flashback of the Month Past - II

2008-11-03T16:43:00.005-06:00

I'm so lousy a driver, sometime I cause myself to rethink on my tomfoolery...

Had to cross the road on the bike yesterday morning, got frustrated waiting for a long time, and finally decided to lurch ahead, just when there is a bus coming at me at about 60kmph.... Jesus Christ!

I'm thankful I only do this kinda crap when I'm riding solo...

Well Scarface finally left Hyd... Still not decided about the Infy-quitting part though, but she's off home for a good long time, given to her by the HR, so that she can "think" about what she wants to do... Well I guess BB will miss its most potent drama queen :D

Raghu had his stamping yesterday, and will probably be flying this weekend... Crap... Bloody expectations sky-rocketing to boundless heights...

Well a lot of people read that BB faces thingy :) People going "Wow" about vocabulary and all! Hehe! It's a nice feeling indeed to be appreciated, for the only thing you are half-decent at :P

Although I think what I wrote, has Raghu pissed off to no end, because all his "love" for me comes oozing in everything that he does pertaining to me now... Man I can now finally see what it is to be hated so openly!

I do something, doesn't work out right, his standard retort "Leave the BB alone for sometime", "Give priority to work", "Concentrate and do the testing" and blah, blah, blah... I'm sure that if he suffers from constipation tomorrow morning, in some way or the other, I will be blamed for that as well...

He's overdoing it now, he seriously is... I'm this close to snapping at him now, after 11 months in this project... God save him the day I lose it...

Someone keeps telling me very frequently that I'm wasting my talents at the wrong place, on the wrong person... What does talent have to do with anything?

I wouldn't want someone to fall for my poetry skills, my word-power, my dance, because all these are not going to last forever... They are just transient like everything else...

If I'm struck by Alzheimer's tomorrow, all my talent is going to be as good as the trashcan in my kitchen... If I fell for you, does not mean I fell for your innumerable, inimitable skills, or your dance, or your face, because all that is never going to stay forever... I love you for what you are, nothing more, nothing less... Period.

You are special to me... Remember that... Your feelings weren't less... And you are worth so much more than someone can give you... So don't you dare talk about yourself in lesser worth... If you choose to trust someone, you cannot be at fault if they choose to betray that trust...

We all have our levels of expectations from people... It cannot be wrong to expect always... At some subconscious level, we all have this need to be pampered...

Sometimes it's tough to see someone cry in front of you...

I wrote something that was like raw, unedited pain... Sent it to Em... I cannot post that here... It's just too much... Generally I encrypt all the pain, but this one was like too damn painful... Em read it, liked it, so its hers to keep...

I wrote another poem using Em's words... A lot of pain.... Will post it someday :) There was also another poem, which spelled out something, and that is why it was special! Only sad part, someone did not figure it out herself, so damn :(

Em finally wrote quite a bit after so much persuasion... I want you to keep writing da... Please...

Sai and me had a poetic conversation sometime ago!! All about "Louwww" and the lack of it! He was for "Louwww" and I was the eternal Cynic :P That jugalbandi was good after so long!!

One of my poems from Creative was forwarded outside Infy as well!! Got some good feedback there so "GRINNN" :D Hehehe!

Feeling : Conflicted

Listening : Dil Se Mere - Pyaar mein Kabhi Kabhi

Flashback of the Month Past - I

2008-11-02T17:08:00.000-06:00

Life's been crazily messed up and that is my excuse again!

Em says I should get married... She says if a girl trusts me and comes close to me, I will take extremely good care of her... Riiiiight...

I know myself... Better than anyone else... I will be good to a person only if I care about her of my own accord... If she is forced upon me, then I will treat her the same way I treat some other samples from my erstwhile dance team... I have to feel special about someone to be good to her...

I cannot go ahead and spoil someone else's life, just because mine was spoilt... I can be unfair to myself, not to someone else, without reason... If I do not have any concern for a person, then I'm perfectly capable of making them feel wretched... I'm too much of a humanitarian to do that I guess :)

Sometimes I believe I need to ask myself, am I really the best possible future that the person I end up with can have? Am I really husband material, or even the stuff soulmates are made of, or deep down am I something else?

Moreover, knowing me, I'd probably be super-possessive of the person I end up with... Wouldn't want her to feel suffocated around me... It would be wrong of me to expect them to submit to my every whim and fancy...

No one in this world is perfect, least of all, me... But I will love her more than anyone else possibly could, and in the end, that's all that matters...

Someone I know went through his first heartbreak... And he's still smitten... Old bait, new fish... Why would someone you like be capable of hurting you the most? Why would I want to give someone that level of control over my feelings, my emotions, my happiness?

Just last week, I got a new phone to celebrate the fact that everything that can go wrong, IS going wrong in my life... And yet I get a new phone to have something to be happy about when I get back home.... Its because I want to be solely responsible for my own ecstasy...

Someone else I know, has lost faith in life... She is very disturbed about something where she's not even at fault... You were not wrong, you were wronged, so you never a loser... Never will be...

I hate that damn word "Loser"... For me, its the most offensive word in the English language...

Coming back from home was a secretly made trip and one person was surprised... Atleast someone was happy that I came back :D Although I had to work on that Thailand thing again, damn!

That Aadaab interview thing is finally out... No fanmail though! That's because I'm not a celebrity, so Em you're wrong! We all know who the celebrity is :P

Sunshine got engaged, so congratulations are in order! I still can't stop pitying Karan's fate though :D

Thanks to the demand of Telugu Club and Telugu language on BB, now both Hindi and Telugu are out... HydCreative will allow posts in English only now... Aaah well, I'm not completely against this, because I'm more comfortable with English, but yes this is a curb on creativity...

Allowing Telugu would have caused moderation to become a nightmare... And still people act smart...

A prank I played on one person on last Friday (31st Oct), made its way to two more people as well! Unintentional, but then Roch says, he believed it so readily, because that is exactly what I would do, being the loner soul that I am... He wouldn't be surprised if I were to pack up everything and walk away one fine day... Hmm... People have faith in me :)

Sis isn't talking to me, because I didn't tell her I was going home... Well Sis, I did not tell anyone... That's just me... Messed up :) (just like someone else :))

Feeling : Unplugged

Listening : Saamne Aati Ho Tum - Dus

Easier to Run

2008-10-25T13:22:00.001-05:00

Em really needs to be awakened from a mental slumber she's lapsed into...

The problem is everytime I mentally prepare myself to scold her, I go face her, and then my speaker goes on damn mute...

Its because I know that if our places were reversed, I'd be doing that exact set of stupid things... I'd be cutting myself off from people, pushing myself away from those who genuinely and unconditionally care for me, stop doing the things I absolutely love doing, put myself through this self-imposed seppuku...

I have done that Em... I have done all that... In my case, I never did have anyone... Atleast that's not so for you... There are people who are concerned, including me... And they ask me, because they cannot ask you... Come back.... For our sake, but more crucially, for yours...

I cannot be not-worried... I am You, You are me...

A chill down the spine... Obsession... Possession... No comforting touch... A kiss on the forehead... indeed Bliss... Talking through the eyes...

A feeling deep inside, I'm not ready to sacrifice... those promises of staying by your side... the sense of security I want to soak you with... denying the truth... lying to yourself...

Something so tender, it's pure... those laughs, those cries, those fights, that happen god knows why... a feeling of being high... with you by my side, when i close my eyes, there are times i swear i feel like I can fly. I walk home alone, I walk with your shadow... It's a feeling beyond words.

I’m afraid of the dark

The roads are unknown, so are my destinations.... I still waiting for my pit stops... Zooming through life, safely ensconced in my tinted windows... A face I cannot see, on the inside of my eyes... A hand in my hands, for the long journey ahead... And I still walk blindfolded... In my blind faith...

Damn... I wanted to write funny... This is what happens when you write dil se... Sorry Em...

Feeling : Running in circles...

Listening : Tu meri Dost Hai - Yuvraj

Inertia of Rest

2008-10-20T19:34:00.001-05:00

Heylo all!

Back from home finally, and still haven't found time to write.... Work's crazy and a lot of other things going horrendously wrong as well... A lot of updates to be given, but for now, just a little poem...

Dimples on your left cheek, or is it the right?
A shine in your eyes, like a twinkling sprite
The one thing so much worth my while
That is to me, your smile

A lopsided grin, full of mischief
The careless laugh, when you show relief
Your mocking cackle, when cracking jokes vile! :P
That is to me, your smile

A smile that can hide or take away my pain
A smile that is always a boon, never a bane
A smile that can dazzle fans for a mile
Anything at all, for that one smile

A message for someone... Please come back... I care, even if no one else does...

Feeling : Arms outstretched

Listening : Jogi Mahi - Bachna Ae Haseeno

Burnished Blue Blur

2008-10-09T06:00:00.003-05:00

The past few days have been exactly as the title suggests.

I'm not sure of anything.... I'm not sure of where I'm going with my life... I'm not sure where my life is taking me...

I've become a zombie... My attention span is somewhere in the vicinity of that of a mongrel, that can smell a juicy bone, but is blind so cannot see it, and is being commanded to "Sit, Heel, Shake Paw".

I don't want to talk to anybody, don't want to listen to anything. I'm soooo frustrated I think I'm going to implode...

Mom asked me to drop her to work today, and I am staring at the TV, I did not even have the damn courtesy to reply or atleast acknowledge that I had heard her... And when she called my name few more times, I just yelled in retaliation... That hurt... Mummy, I'm so so so damn sorry... :(

It's time for me to snap out of this "I'm-brooding-but-I-don't-know-why" phase...

But then again the problem is I can't go ahead and change something about myself unless I'm completely convinced that the change is indeed required

Drat! Deadlock...

I'm a dreamer, I dream my life away
I'm a dreamer, I dream of a better day...

Em says it's all dark in Hyd now... Well that's both good and bad, I guess... Good because that's the kind of weather I like... Dark, cloudy, overcast, with the hint of rain in the air... :)

Bad because I'm not there during this weather... :( This is the best time to go for my long drives :) Pelting rain, no jacket, just the road and the speed...

Someone happened to look simply gorgeous in red sari today, btw... Oh but no "unnecessary comments" naa... Coo thanks appreciated, will keep it to myself...

You call me a Friend, treat me like a Foe
Wrapped in your warmth, I'm frozen to the core
I'll cut out the part that hurts, discard the useless limb
I'll say my goodbye, the distant horizon is beckoning

I hate walking away... But I hate getting hurt too...

Feeling : I still fear farewells...

Listening : Nahi Rakhta Dil Mein Kuch - Lucky Ali

Homesick???

2008-10-09T00:36:00.001-05:00

I never thought I would utter or write this phrase, but I miss Hyderabad... I might get stoned for saying that, but it is absolutely true!

Back home its very warm, everything has come to life in this Puja season, and it is hot for most part of the day. The mornings bring back memories embedded into my soul. I listen to familiar music blaring from the laptop as I sit idle the whole day here, while the sun shines into my window and I can’t help but think about lunch time back in Hyd, which entitles me to a not-so-long walk to Subway, feeling the sun on the back of my neck, a cool breeze rushing by as I watch the crowds walk by and the housekeeping people tending the grounds and shrubbery; it makes me miss the campus.

I even dreamt about my bike last night. I miss my long drives at all unearthly hours because I was pissed or bugged or whatever. I know these feelings are nuts, I have lived in Hyd for just 2.5 years... But I feel it calling me home sometimes.

Will surrender ever be easy? No, I think not and it shouldn't be. No one walks into a battle field carrying a white flag before the battle even starts. Fighting commences as one walks on the battle field and only when exhaustion and defeat have set in then the white flag is given in surrender of their position and lives. The white flag also pleads for mercy....

So I was having a rough day yesterday (and yesternight) and I just couldn't shake this feeling of depression/ this feeling of defeat and so I decided to write... Started writing at 11 last night... 12 hours later I'm still not done... The writing might be a little scattered in thought, but I feel like it is an expression of a battle within me.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I am feeling slightly depressed. I have this unrest about myself and I can’t shake it off. A feeling of defeat flying over my head. I feel defeated in my mastery of my mind and unable to control/channel it well. I want to give up in it and return to a familiar state of blatant unconsciousness.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I don’t have an agenda today or the next week. It is not good for me to not have work... I need something in my schedule. I also catch myself daydreaming about the future... Future jobs, future living situations, future life...

I want to go somewhere and put my roots in over there. When am I leaving for that Utopia? I don’t know. And it bothers me. I would like to decide sometime soon and not have unrest over it.

The question is also when do I want to leave here, when is my vacation done here? Am I being selfish in wanting to leave everything and run away? Is it a plot from some unseen enemy dangling comfort in front of me hoping I will take the bait?

I just don’t feel like I have the strength or ability to do what I want to with my life. I want to, but it seems so difficult. I don’t have the damn courage to just get up and run... Can I give up now and not hate myself later?

I feel defeat sitting on my chest, just like every time I do when I start writing. I would start out well and bomb it in the end. It always feels too difficult to continue. Why does it always come to this point?

Maybe I need to desist from blogging/poems/writing and looking at peoples lives from afar. I think it pulls me into their lives, but I am not really there. It makes me miss my sanity too damn much .

I don’t know. I never know why this happens. Am I looking to other things to satisfy me? The answer seems to be yes, but what is it? I have never tried harder to be satisfied by what I have in my life. But the thing is I can’t do it. AHHHHH... People and circumstances do not exist to satisfy me, they never can either.

I surrender to you. Everything, my circumstances, my actions, my abilities or lack thereof, my attitude, my strength... That is never good enough, my hope, my affections, everything. I can’t do it. I can’t live my life day in and day out without you. I need you to sustain me, to give me strength. Left to myself, I am depressed and hopeless and I make a mess of everything. I surrender my inability. If I'm not perfect, then okay I'm not perfect. I can’t help that. I will do my best and not give up, but in the end whatever ability or understanding I have, I trust that it is enough and it is all the understanding I need. I won’t beat myself up over not being perfect. I will not treat kindness with contempt... The way you do...

So in writing this I realize that I am holding myself up to unrealistic standards that I cannot meet, say perfection. Not attainable in this lifetime. “Unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen”; Have I not heard this before?? How many times will I learn this lesson in this lifetime? Atleast a thousand.

A thousand times I’ve failed
still the obstacle remains
And should I stumble again
I’m caught in the rat race.

A light shines when all else fades
A glory outshining all fame

A big massive planet, they call it a small world and now it seems positively suffocating...

Feeling - Like a Knight without his armour :)

Listening - Tum Saanson mein (unplugged)

Another Brick in the Wall

2008-10-08T04:45:00.002-05:00

Old hopes are alive at a forsaken door
Left with nothing and still I want more
Changing my heart
Knowing who I am

Sweetheart, bitterheart
now I can't tell them apart
A hope with a tear in his eye
Too scared to own up to one little lie

I think I should have missed you so much.
I can't help but..
they never fail to send me back into the box called happy memories.
they never fail to cause a smile in my heart.

The last day ever.
No procrastination.
No compromises.
Dwindling weeks...

PRESENT
I:
-am trusting
-believe in others
-am a peacemaker
-want to establish goals
-become frustrated easily
-like to finish what i start
-tend to withdraw under pressure
-delegate
-will do things on impulse
-want things precise
-am overloaded with details
-want to move on
-like to spend quality time with others
-think that rules are boring, but I wouldn't challenge rules
-am predictable & consistent
-will do as told, follows leader
-will get the facts, i won't take sides...
-am systematic and logical
-am animated and i laugh out loud.
-want clear directions

BUT
I:
-am not tolerant
-am not sociable
-am not good at encouraging others
-don't stand up to opposition
-am not lively, talkative
-don't manage my time efficiently
-don't over-promise
-am not thrifty
-am not open to changes
-don't openly display feelings
-am not bold, daring
-am not prepared for the future
-am not careful and cautious
-am easily defeated
-am not a leader
-am not optimistic

FUTURE
I will:
-be more tolerant and control my temper
-try to be more of a people's person
-stand up for myself and my viewpoint
-try to manage my time more efficiently(set my priorities right)
-not give up easily
-will plan my spending well, need comes before want
-be braver when facing challenges
-try to cope better under pressure
-plan for my future
-be more careful in my actions, words, and attitude
-think more positively, & not have undue worries
-be more creative :)

I always thought I was the only one (but it doesn't seem the case). Although I gained(and lost), I still think it is the right choice

I never wanted to make things this worse. but you were the one, the one who disallowed room for negotiation. I'm not the little boy anymore. It's time for me to take flight, isn't it? You will not understand my thoughts, just like how you say I will never understand yours.

There is pain inside... A lot of it... Of an intensity that is alarming, even by my standards... Coming from deep within my chest, kicking its way out, and through my ribs, nowhere less...

Pain is a part of growing up... Grown up. Adult. I am 25 years old and the last seven years I have spent feeling undeserving of the title "Grown up", "Adult". I felt like an impostor. I don't anymore.

"Sorry" - The oft-used word, with not-so-oft-meant intentions...

Why do I hear that resounding echo in my ears?? All I did was talk to myself... For a little while...

I lay my partially bare soul out on this page with my thoughts, provocative and plain, and musings of my life around me.

I live in a completely foreign world where familiarity is in want, and all I am left with are memories.

I'm not emo... Just honest.

This is where life finds me. This is where I want you to find me.

Feeling : Unheard

Listening : Carousel - Linkin Park

Dil Maange More

2008-10-07T06:45:00.003-05:00

Well had a lot more to write, and did not want to put it all in the previous post, since I already have a lot of complaints about my posts being unbearably long (or just unbearable :P)

Wonderful rains in this part of the country right now! I'm loving the weather here... Although it is super-hot here in the mornings :( And when I roam about in my favourite towel-only costume, Mom keeps ribbing me about my emerging paunch :'( Damn I have to to hit the gym and hit it with a vengeance!

Its good to be again scrapping and reading/writing testimonials for people on Orkut... My profile though is still pretty barren, since I'm accessing net on my home system and all my pics are in my laptop, so will be posting all those once I'm back in Hyd, though I do not know when that is going to be!

When she came to know I'd be leaving for home, Em said she wouldn't miss me, since she was already used to this missing feeling for 3 years now. She asked me if I will miss her...
Will I miss you? - You know the answer.
Will you miss me?? - I know the answer.

I finally forced her to write a poem on her own, despite her constant protests that she cannot! See all you had to do was try!

I wrote a poem on Creative with someone else's words... As in, I took words that person gave me, born of her pain and turned it into a poem, pretty much like I do with my own hurt... Turned out very good! But that person absolutely refuses to take credit for it... Sheesh!

Someone says they need to stay away from me for a while, or forever... So that they can be alone... I'm not questioning your motives... I know what they are... Just got this to say... A poem says it best...

I will stand by you, for you in times of your need...
I will let you be when you want to walk alone...
I will be there when you need me, but do not want me...
I will walk away when you want me, but do not need me...

Feeling : A Farewell does not always fare well...

Listening : Manasantha Nuvve

The Trauma, the Drama and the Melodrama

2008-10-07T01:23:00.003-05:00

I'm home, I'm home, I'm home!!

No its not like I just returned after 16 years at the war-ravaged Ugandan border, but its still a good feeling to say "F*** off" to every f***ing responsibility on your shoulders and just do what you want without giving a f*** about the reverberating repercussions!

Some stupid thing called Thailand jo-bhi-thha was on my plate, at work, when I left for home. Man how do I make them understand that all this work and responsibility crap is not at all important to me... I will not work on it if I do not feel like working, so Thailand jo-bhi-thha-woh-kyun-thha can go suck on a pachydermal egg! :P

Everything was a last minute plan, Tatkal tickets and all. Even that was on waiting list, I got confirmed seats only hours before the train was due to leave :)

The journey wasn't so bad, except for the fact that the upper berth did not offer me enough head-room to sit up straight, where I had to be because there was an annoying co-passenger on the lower berths... :X

Freaking kid just out of graduation, and fresh into ICFAI Hyd talking like he's already a bigshot manager... Non-stop bakar bakar bakar... Bloke did not even have the wisdom to interpret the frustrated stares he was getting for his unasked utterings... Thinking about that itself gives me the creeps... Not gonna write about him anymore...

I was lucky to have had the laptop with me, rest of the trip was either spent movie-watching or listening to music while reading Linda Fairstein's "The Kills" :) I have sooo much of reading to catch up on! Although I was forced to skip a few meals on the journey because I was immersed in the book :(

Train was late and then the onward journey was momentous in more ways than one, so I'll sum it up by saying I reached home late Friday night :)

Stupid phone was working fine till Kgp, but is refusing to detect anything remotely resembling range since then... Think its time to get a new phone, will someone provide the finance?? Please ****bambi eyed look****!! :P

Mom and Dad both Hated (with a capital H) my new look and my ubiquitous beard! I don't blame them! Atleast it'll keep the matchmaking at bay ;)

Spent most of the last 3 days making up for all my sleep-deprived days of yore! Although did go to church on Sunday, that too without a throwing a tantrum. I believe I should be ceremoniously decorated for that act of valour!

Bro had his visa interview today and once that was done, he sends me a message "BiWi issued"... Yeah I was startled too, until I figured that BV (BiWi) stood for Business Visa :D

I was driving (or rather trying to drive) Dad's 21-year-old chariot today. You may call it a scooter! :P I don't know why he's not willing to get rid of that monstrosity manufactured in Jan1987! After getting so used to my Unicorn, driving that is an absolute nightmare!

Sometimes I still ponder over what Zoe said to me... I was one person whom she met only after reading my blog... So basically the NiceGuyInPerson that I am, had a chance to salvage the damage done by the the NotSoNiceGuyInWriting... Damn I wonder how many people I have actually pushed off with my inherent insolence!

Spoke to Harish on his birthday, he sent his sky-diving videos. Looks like a world of fun, can't wait to try it out!

ParichayHyd interview was aired on InfyTV on the 1st. While it wasn't blessed with my esteemed appearance (:P), Mads and Roch pulled it off pretty well! Mads looked gorgeous and composed, Roch was stuttering a bit though :D What daa!!

I happened to come across some mails which outlined what Parichay folks in Bangalore went through just hours before the event... Man courage has new meaning... Hats off to Leela!

All the good controversies erupt only when I'm not in Hyd, damn! This time its some stupid logic as to why Telugu posts are not allowed on Creative... Damn Hindi posts on Creative itself drive me crazy, though I'm pretty proficient in the language...

My personal opinion: Restrict posts on Creative to any language, as long as the language is English! Yeah Corny, that's your line that I stole :D

I finally re-created my Orkut account today! The one I had earlier had some 400-odd friends, 7000+ scraps, 97 fans and so much else, which I deleted in Feb this year... Reasons to delete, not so clear, but anyway neither is the reason I returned! Lots of new-fangled perks with orkut now, so will have to experiment from scratch :)

Monkeyface put my first ever testimonial too, the one that she had put on my earlier profile. I miss that girl, I so do!

I hope that Thailand jo-bhi-thha-accha-hua-ab-nahi-hai is done and out of the way if and when I figure its safe to go back to Hyd :D

Feeling : Resurrected!

Listening : Ek Taraf Uska Ghar - Pankaj Udhas

For you Em

2008-10-06T07:07:00.006-05:00

I'm at home now, no access to HydCreative, hence posting at the next best place for something I came up with while on GChat in the afternoon...

I cannot reach out and wipe your tears away
I cannot be a superhero and step in to save the day
I cannot raise my hand and dictate the rain and the thunder
All I have is my bare and faint whisper

I cannot cushion your wilful drop into your own personal Hell
I cannot force you to cease burning up yourself
I cannot shelter you when you choose to walk on your own in the storm
Your"self" is the one you need saving from

I cannot cup in my palms every tear you have cried
I cannot hold you in my arms even when you are at my side
I cannot make you smile when you want our ties torn
Leave me behind if you really think it will help you to carry on

I cannot stop you from stumbling in the desert wind
I cannot stop you from getting lost in the hills
I cannot stop you from falling when your strength is gone
But I'm with you, whenever you are lonely, whenever you are down

I am who I am, no matter where you are
I am always around, the distance is not a bar
I am doing this for myself, not for you
I am being me, in everything I do

You wanted a new post Em! There you go :)

Feeling : Pissed, I guess...

Listening To : Only devotional songs on home system, courtesy Ma and Pa, so not listening!

Of Comments and Compliments

2008-09-29T18:02:00.006-05:00

I got a compliment! YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!

Now that I'm done running around waving my hands in the air and tearing my hair (or what's left of it) out, I shall get back to the post :P

Well Zoe says I'm much nicer in person than anyone would guess from the blog. So either I sound like this really massive megalomaniac (which I am) on this space or I'm this really awesome actor who can convince people that he's a nice guy :D

Kidding Zoe, I really am a nice guy; Someone believe me!!

Some male (yes Corny, VSS, I'm using the counterpart of the "derogatory" word here) posted something on the BB over the weekend, about "gults" being smarter at conjuring acronyms. He should really be glad he did not do that on a weekday. He would have been smashed beyond recognition on the BB.

Mads sent me this pic of me which we had taken when we were sitting and segregating costumes after Parichay. Click on the pic to view a larger image. I'm loving it!

Confused as to whether I should title this Warrior or Warlord :P I have 2 guns slung over my shoulders, swords and a shield in my hands, I think I should try being a superhero next ;)

Angel you might find the background nostalgic. You can see your favourite pillar in the background, the one in whose vicinity you louwww being :D

Em is really like me. Super-possessive and extreme in everything she does, a la me! But then she lets others cloud her euphoria... Why let someone control your joy? Why let people make you feel so worthless? Don't give them that level of priority in your life...

Em and I wanted to dance yesterday so we went to SnG at 6:30 in the evening :) It felt good after so long. Music in our ears, rhythm in our feet and an hour of sweet symphony! Although my new look did have her kinda startled initially :P

Feeling : Hug :)

Listening to : Aksar - Hijack

Zohan and Zoe!

2008-09-28T18:32:00.001-05:00

One was so gross at some places, it was funny and the other was a refreshingly new person to meet. Glad to finally see someone who can cause Corny to be off his corny composure!

Zoe, Scarface, Corny and me went for You don't mess with the Zohan on Saturday. Zoe was a real person and not a figment of Corny's imagination like I had earlier thought! And she's a mirror image of Corny except for the gender bit! I still wonder why Corny was nervous though :P I have some theories in mind, but will not elucidate on that here :D

Zohan was a slightly overdone movie, where "slightly" might be slightly understated! Movie would have been funny if they hadn't resorted to crass comedy in so many of the scenes, like piranha down the unduly overstuffed crotch... Crap!

InfyTV hosted a Parichay interview with the Bangalore folks since this was their 5th Parichay. The next day there was a shoot for Hyd Parichay as well. No I'm not going to be a celebrity yet again, that shoot was just for our chairpersons here :P

Angel sends me a mail on Friday, saying she's coming down to Infy on Friday and "Would his Eminence of the BB be able to clear his calendar for a half hour to catch up with an old friend". I was like W-T-H!!!

We met up after a long time and her jaw-drop was huge when I took off my helmet, revealing my look of the month post-Parichay! Long hair, unkempt beard, you can imagine the sight! Hehe!

Well that look is gone now, to be replaced by something even more drastic :D This look is much "cleaner" now is all that I will say ;)

I've been feeling really lazy past few days. I wanted to write a lot more about Zoe, about Corny's nervousness and about how Scarface managed to piss me off (which doesn't take much effort nowadays) multiple times on Saturday and blah-bluh-bleh, but the ever-moody me is really not in the mood, so I'm going to be mooding off...err...signing off now... Chao.

Feeling : Peevish

Listening to : Easier to Run - Linkin Park (Spot On!)

Midweek Massacre

2008-09-23T19:02:00.001-05:00

In parts of this world, people still pray in the streets. When I'm driving then those people are called pedestrians :D

A series of close shaves while driving to work yesterday. I almost drove into a construction worker and then in the attempt of avoiding him, almost ran over a kid, who had taken into his head to show his mom how easy it was to play hopscotch on the road during office hours.

Then at the IIIT junction, as I was swooping and swerving amidst the innumerable cars and autos and buses, when a few jaywalkers came to a conclusive decision that they had had enough of their miserable existences. A bunch of them, weaving through the mass of vehicles, very conveniently decided to cut across my path as well, and I'm a person who still confuses the brakes with a gear shift ;)

The next encounter was a more deliberate act of intimidation, born out of sheer annoyance. Just outside the office gates, an Infy guy gets off on the opposite side of the road from an auto (people who have seen Infy Hyd, don't ask me how he came to the opposite side; I didn't stop to ask him :P) and then proceeds to cross the road, holding up his hand to oncoming vehicles, as a traffic cop might. I snapped, revved up, ignored his spreadeagled hand and sped past him at a pace that
a) caused him to discard his laptop in the middle of the road
b) hightail his butt to the refuge of the autos on the side he was coming from
c) had the knot of auto-drivers on that side break into peals of laughter

Have you ever felt bliss suffuse all the cells of your body and a smile light up your face? That was my condition as I entered campus yesterday; Not a bad start to the day :D

I guess that guy is not a regular on the BB, else this would definitely have come up there. I would've liked to know who the moron was!

Anyway Scarface says I'm becoming too judgemental in my mails and posts, so I shall clam up and let the morons be :P

Sent a mail to the Bangalore Parichay team yesterday, wishing them luck as they gear up for Parichay on the 25th. Their theme this time is a pretty incredible one, but I'm sure they will pull it off!

In hatred, as in love, we grow like the thing we brood upon. What we loathe, we graft into our very soul. You cannot hate anyone forever, because that diminishes your ability to love as well. The things you do, the things you undergo may cause you to hate your life, but you don't have an alternative to life... None of us do... You cannot walk away from the only thing you have.

Ah damn! Anyway I just happened to read through some really old posts of mine. What struck me was how supercilious I sound in so many of them. I guess Scarface was right :( That half-whining, half-condescending tone, its actually becoming me! Have to do something to snap out of it and have to do it soooooon!

Many of my posts (including probably this one as well) is usually my version of a whole day in a couple of paragraphs. Or maybe more than a couple of paragraphs, going by the way Corny and Jay complain :P Its like a snapshot that covers just the points of the day when you had your strongest emotions surging through you, like a grainy pixellated image that isn't totally you, but still pretty much an identical effigy.

I'm totally suffering from the middle-of-the-week syndrome :( Paining Neck, Throbbing Head, Burning Eyes etc etc etc...

Feeling : Drained

Listening to : Promiscuous Girl - Nelly ft. Timbaland

Lost Confused Ashamed

2008-09-22T18:59:00.002-05:00

The Parichay writeup that I had prepared for Sparsh was changed by the Sparsh internal team.

The changes just made it worse. All they did was change the tense in some places, strike out analogies; in general, changes that did not change the essence of the writeup, but screwed it up all the same. Fucking Idiots.

They even changed Divya's poem. I hated that. And all this just so they could lay some literary claim to the writeup. Jeez!

Mads sent me their version of the writeup and asked me to look through it. I asked her if she was the one who made those changes. She asks me "Do you think I have the talent or the guts?" Don't know if that was intended to be mocking or what :(

She's gone to Bangalore now for the Parichay there. I wanted to go too. But just the two of us going there from Hyd and dancing for the finale wouldn't make sense.

Anyway they have some 100 people for Parichay in Bangalore this time. I guess Mads was right when she said the core committee wouldn't have time to keep a separate finale.

I'm driving Em nuts with my communicator notes and poems! So going to be stopping writing for a while. Well no actually not gonna stop, but won't post it for a while ;)

A call in the middle of the night when you have slept. You wake up just as the call ends, go to your missed calls register, take a look at the number and your sleep vanishes in an instant when you realise who just called. And then 5 minutes there is another call from another number, asking you if you can come online to talk... That feeling, I tell you, its wow...

A communicator note tussle
Some poems causing a bustle
Borrowing a phone to call a number
And then You call me crazy; Why, I wonder

I'm not a good man. I have a past. A past I don't have regrets about but then not a past I am proud of either. You say who doesn't, but don't you see, us being alike, you are holding on to your past, just the way I was. We all are subject to fate, but the choices we make are much stronger than the dictates of destiny. We find our happiness in someone else's happiness, both of us do, but killing urself slowly doesn't make sense if it makes no difference to the other person. Be selfish. Look for your happiness in yourself, not in someone else's smile.

I finally saw Angel in a sari! As in pics of her in a sari. Someone looks gorgeous :D But its ok you can come down to earth buddy, Mom happens to look even more awesome with her smile, so there I just put you in your place :P

Corny moron, I'm telling you let me personally reply to that feedback-prohibiting post! Damn people don't understand English. Creative is not General where everything has to have a damn reply.

My display name in the Infy network got changed to just Eby now :D It looks uber-cool now, although now it makes my name so short that some people miss seeing it in the mailing list :D Corny, Scarface, VSS you all know what I'm talking about ;)

Feeling : The title says it all...

Listening to : Given Up - Linkin Park

Drive Me Crazy

2008-09-18T18:50:00.002-05:00

Is there such a thing as being delirious with happiness??

Angel will testify to having undergone that euphoria day before yesterday and I'd say the same thing about yesterday! And the feeling is goooooood :D

Angel was acting like a ray of sunshine because of a half-hour event! Turned into a complete schoolgirl ;) I don't blame her considering what happened was rare and very important to her as well :) Its ok Angel, you can stop being happy happy happy now :P

Me, well, I'd put up a post on Creative on Wednesday for a certain person and I was ecstatic yesterday about the fact that she finally saw it :D I hope I wasn't running around on the floor tearing my hair out in gleeful hysteria!

Sis asks me if I like someone. Sorry Sis, I think I have had enough of dappling in debacles by now :D

Corny finally put the poem I wrote about feedback on Creative. And he put it as a retaliatory post to the feedback that my post was receiving. GRRR! Asshole! And the way he framed it made it sound as if I'm completely against feedback! Dipstick!

Anyway not that I mind! People should know that I'm a "Creative addict and an amateur poet" in Corny's words :P Corny, effing dog!

And one more reason to celebrate would be a mail I received at around 11 in the morning! Aadaab, a HydDC newsletter, had started posting interviews of eminent persons from the BB from their previous edition. And guess who they chose for their September edition :D

The one interviewed for the prev edition was a guy called Venu Vedam, whose been in Infy for quite a while. An unparalleled wordsmith, a person packed with creativity, his posts on the BB, on his blogs (yes, plural!) and his stories are something that make awesome reads!

He's pissed me off on more than one occasion, so I'm not exactly his biggest fan, but that doesn't quell my admiration for that guy.

And then for their second edition they choose a person whose been around for a little less than 3 years, whose posts and blog are just a tad short of explosive and who utilises his impeccable vocabulary for sarcastic retorts rather than anything remotely educational! Yeah ME!! :P

Now see I'm the kinda guy who has never chosen the conventional path in whatever I've done. Else I wouldn't have poured hot coffee on my crotch when I was thirteen, just to see what happens! (Uhhh.... Never ever ask what happened, it will stir up too many scalding memories...:D)

So a misfit is the way I felt when I got that mail in the morning saying "Greetings from the Aadaab team". A part of me still thinks its a prank!! Eminent person on the BB??? ME??? HA!!

And then Angel says all that Creative stuff is a demo of my eminence, Salsa asks me to start blocking my calendar for meeting up with friends and my bro, well as always, he mocks me and gets away with it!

My onsite coordinator for my current request did something really stupid the other day... and I got yelled at for that... Thanks a ton for not using your brains, OC...

I had very sincerely prayed for something to happen. Didn't set any timelines for it, but its started to happen. I just need to have some faith and hold on to it now.

Mood : Fingers Crossed, Elbows in a Twist as well!

On the Playlist : Rab Ka Banda - Hello

A Restless Reprise

2008-09-18T12:50:00.001-05:00

I have felt pain every time I walked another step forward, yet after having moved even one step back, I've known that regression and giving up were not options for me.

I've felt the emptiness of separation as I've moved in the wrong direction. I've learnt the arts of persistence, tenacity and dedication.

I know how it feels to watch my world and my dreams shatter into a million pieces at my feet. I know what its like to run and run till there is nothing left inside you, and then to run some more.

I know how it feels to be loved and how it feels when feelings grow hard and cold. I know what it is to love and what it feels like to have something, that means so much to me that it becomes me.

I know hope is my last refuge. I know that darkness must exist if only to make those tiny pinpoints of light seem so much brighter. I believe in miracles, I believe in angels, I believe in myself at all times, even when no one else does.

I know how it feels to be lost in a crowd of familiar faces. I know how it feels when for one moment you are the star of the show. I know that waking up each morning is being blessed by the day that lies ahead.

I know that all this has made me ME and through this I'm winning the most important race ever ever, the race I entered at birth, the race I call my Life.

Feeling : Mazed

Listening : Ek Ladki Bheegi Bhaagi Si - Kishore Kumar :)

Unplugged

2008-09-17T19:30:00.000-05:00

There have been people who keep posting feedback on Creative, despite the framework explicitly mentioning its not to be done. Half-wits are starting to treat Creative like another General.

Corny asked me to write a poem yest which he'd post every other week, about discouraging feedback on Creative. Only glitch, as far as I can see, is that he asked me to make the poem pleasant and non-authoritative... WTF man! Its going to have absolutely no effect.

Anyway I came up with those lines, and they were okayed by the the higher-beings (read: other moderators) as well. So Creative will have a guaranteed contribution from me every 2 weeks ;)

Looks like this is the only thing I'm half-decent with. Words and wordplay! Got to find some way to use words to bring back that which I lost...

Past few days, I've been having a communicator note war with someone. I just don't know if that person ever realised it...

Aristotle taught that the brain exists merely to cool blood and is not involved in the thinking process. This is definitely true of certain persons, including me. Except that my brain does not cool my blood effectively :(

Feeling : Disoriented

Listening To : Every Breath You Take - Police

Laying it out

2008-09-16T11:21:00.012-05:00

Well someone left a comment on my post-Parichay frustration vent, both of which you can see here.

Now I'm writing about it here as part of a post, since that person has used an open ID to leave that comment, so if I do reply there, I'm not sure he will get it. So Satya (assuming that is indeed your name), here you go...

I need you to answer these questions first:

If Iron Maiden comes to Delhi live in concert, would you ask them to play "Kajra Re" as part of the show? After all Indian audience...
If you worked towards a dream for 3 months, and some complete prick comes off the proverbial by-lane and trashes your efforts in 3 seconds, would you sit there with a cheek-to-cheek grin and say "Have a nice day"?
If you do not have the courage or the passion it takes to dance, or the calibre it takes to organize an event on the scale of Parichay, would you get up and offer free advice to those who do and expect complete subservience in return?

If you have answered in affirmative to any of the questions above, please send me an X-Ray of your head, because I really do not understand the way your brain works.

If you have answered "NO" to any of the questions please read on else skip the next 16 paragraphs. I'm sure you would have better stuff to do than peruse my ravaging rants.

Speaking for myself, I dance for music and music alone. I listen to songs irrespective of the language. I cannot understand half the English songs and none of the Tamil, Telugu and Malayalam songs that I listen to.

I did not understand a single word of the Tamil song that we performed to. Yet I danced to it and I enjoyed doing it. Because dance does not have a linguistic barrier.

When we were dancing to whichever song of whichever language, the public was enjoying themselves. We did not have a single BOO of boredom from the crowd, even for the slow performances. Then why did some imbeciles raise BB topics with a subject line "Parichay awesome but..."?

Parichay is our dream, our hard work, something for which we sacrificed a lot, to bring it to reality. Put yourself in my place and tell me you wouldn't feel disappointed or angry.

If we had played a Telugu song, lets say a Chiranjeevi number, then people would have objected saying why wasn't a PawanKalyan/AlluArjun/MegaStar/PowerStar/SuperStar/Pornstar song played? What answer would you have had then?

I have danced to Telugu songs earlier and have enjoyed it immensely as well; but I cannot expect everyone in the Parichay team to subscribe to the same school of thought. And no, I will not choose a Telugu song over any other song if I enjoy the latter more.

People did not have the guts to get up and nominate themselves early when Parichay came knocking; then they hide behind a forum like the BB and hurl bricks. This isn't called regionalistic fervour, its called cowardice.

You talk about my acidic response to what some localites said, you very conveniently ignored what those localites said, to very effectively demolish the efforts that 63 Infoscions put into making Parichay what it became.

You talk about my language and tone of response, you very conveniently ignored the caustic retorts some of those people made on the BB when we were gearing up for Parichay.

You talk about my blog, you very conveniently ignored the damage some of those people did, to our reputations, our relationships, our lives on a forum which caters to a much wider audience.

Mouli, Divya and Madhuri had responded to the Parichay posts on the BB, silly mistake agreed, but did that slip merit the public mocking that Parichay faced, before we even had a chance to perform?

This is what was said about these people:
Mouli - "As far as I know, you're also a part of this, how can you not know about what Parichay is"
Divya - "This little girl is dancing too in Parichay, and she does not know about the practice"
Madhuri - Her name was splashed in yellow in the BB and terms like "ignorance from the organizer" were cast about.
What "adequate grounds" would you use to defend this?

These people are my friends and I will stand up for them.

You may find it easy to be magnanimous Satya, I cannot. I'm sure you have seen me in action on the BB, I'm sure you know how maniacally I fight for whatever I choose, on the BB. Ever seen me fighting there for Parichay?

Never fought, because on the BB, I'm infamous and I did not want my bad reputation rubbing off on Parichay. My passion for Parichay overrode my pride.

A racist is a person who shows racial intolerance. If people post on the BB in Hindi, there is a deluge of protests about vernacular secularism and bleh. But amazing how these same people take part so pro-actively in Telugu Samveta. Ever thought about that? Vernacular Secularism goes on vacation then, is it?

Were the actions of the people who caused this retaliation even morally apt? Ask yourself.

As for the gelling part, I stopped caring about trying to please people all the time, quite a while back. Being nice to people is usually taken by them as an invitation to walk all over you.

Feeling : Crucified

Listening To : Dirt off your shoulder + Lying from you - Collision Course

At Sea... Again

2008-09-15T20:17:00.000-05:00

I gotta work out. I have to, I have to.

I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about four months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time.

Which uhhhh...is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uhhhh...blog... And uhhh...go on long drives. And uh...try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

India waivers was successfully delivered yesterday! I'm just hoping earnestly that it doesn't bounce back with UAT errors. That'll be like nightmare reloaded.

Srini says "Good work", Raghu says "It isn't good work"! Well I guess I'd agree with him there. My proclivity to procrastination is what caused so much trouble not only for me but for him as well... Damn I hope I don't repeat this...

The next enhancement starts today. I'm supposed to be going early to attend the requirements call... Aaaah, what the hell... Slothfulness returns with a vengeance, sorry!

Working at odd hours can be a so unintentionally narcissistic experience sometimes. The one-way glass (I don't know if there is another term for this!) acts like a mirror in the night. So a trip to get a mug of coffee, can turn into a jaunt of self-admiration!

I needed coffee to keep myself awake last night, so every 15 minutes of work was punctuated by a walk to the pantry. And that resulted in me being accompanied by atleast 4 specimens of myself at any given time which is really un-photogenic company to be with!

I'm glad to have finished work yesterday and gotten home; never been so glad to not see myself ;)

There are moments in your life when you move from one page to the next in the Book of your Life. But every page that I move to sets me alight and leaves me to burn in my own Personal Hell. I lose, and then I lose some more.

You lost the only friend you had; I lost so much more.

Feeling : Impoverished

Listening : Not in Love - Enrique

It so hurts

2008-09-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

It so hurts to be proved right
When I wished, I was wrong, with all my might
It so hurts because you don’t care
Even though I soothed the heart you laid bare

It so hurts to be left behind in the rain
When I was the one you turned to in your pain
It so hurts that you turn away
Even though it will be me you turn to the next day

It so hurts to be forsaken
When you came to me, to escape your life so ashen
It so hurts to know I was used
Even though I knew my choices would lead to a psyche callused

I don’t seek revenge, I don’t seek redemption
I don’t seek vengeance or any retaliation
Look into your soul, erase your guilt
Let not another innocent, in my wake, wilt

Jay joins the lunacy

2008-09-14T18:09:00.000-05:00

Bharatmatrimony?? WT-Bleddy-F??

Now this is really getting out of sensible bounds! Jay I swear I'll slaughter you!

3 people have lost their damn minds and now they are bent on making me lose mine... GRRR!

I couldn't find my profile on Shaadi.com which Sis created though... Though that could have been because I don't have the faintest clue as to how to search for it in the first place. God only knows what the 3 of them have put up there. Jay says I have to know my market value. Woman, I'm happier not knowing it!

Sis says I must have deactivated it... Arre HTF do I delete something that wasn't created by me in the first place? The 3 of them must have put something to cause someone to report abuse against my profile ;)

Sis sent me a really sweet mail on Saturday :) Although I didn't read it until Sunday afternoon :( She said the same thing that Jay said when she read my blog... Its like even if we don't keep in touch or even talk frequently, they know about everything that's happening with me, because of this :)

Well that should be taken as an incentive by you both to update your blogs too! Morons! Jay your blog still has the same boring Yawn Monday thing! BLEAARGH! And Sis, you are one step ahead, yours is blank!

Sis' mail made me realise that my own priorities in life have been so wrong so many times... I have ignored the people who truly cared for me, in order to go after something that a part of me probably knew was never meant to end up being mine... And realisation came late, causing my bridge to burn at both ends.

Movie outings in Chennai, late nights Besantnagar Beach strolls, 20 parathas at one sitting, Sis I miss that all soooo much!!

Most of my weekend was spent in an air-conditioned hall, with no one around for miles and nothing but music surrounding me and a black/green/red/blue screen in front of me... Yeah office :( India Waivers waived my rights to a peaceful weekend.

Parichay Core folks (except Mads) watched Rock On on Saturday... Music is AWWWESOME!!! Too too awesome! :) And most of the songs are sung by Farhan Akhtar! There is a future for the Hindi Cinema too, I guess!

All the guys are awesome in the movie! Fabulous actors all of them. Farhan Akhtar is surprisingly and refreshingly good, Arjun Rampal's eyes do all the talking, Purab Kohli is a complete cartoon and Luke Kenny is just endearingly nice. I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay!

The female who plays Farhan's wife in the movie, think her name is Prachi Desai or something, she's really subtle... Her performance was understated and yet very significantly in-your-face kinds. Sis, Jay, Angel reference point, THAT'S the kind of wife I want :D

Strike that! I take it back, I still want Katrina Kaif :P

Some things you can feel coming. You don't fall in love because you fall in love; you fall in love because of the need, desperate, to fall in love. When you feel that need, you have to watch your step; like having drunk a philter, the kind that makes you fall in love with the first thing you meet. It could be a duck-billed platypus.

Lets say you love someone... You are having a conversation with that someone. Suddenly she hears a joke, she thinks is new. She starts telling it you. You hear the first sentence and you realise its this really old one which you have heard umpteenillion times before...

What do you do?? Do you let her know that its a really stale anecdote? Or do you let her continue, acting like an eager listener, who really wants to hear this, since you hasn't heard this before, just so that you can see the twinkle in her eyes and the lovely smile when she's done with her story and you act all surprised and amused??

That thing on Creative and in my note, that was for you Em.

Parichay Core Team folks met up on Friday for coffee... Coffee that lasted for 1.5 hours :) Got yelled at when I got back to my desk, but who cares ;)

Roch was telling about some Jaya female who wanted to be a part of Parichay Core Team at Hyd. Well after this Parichay, we cannot simple take people into Core Team anymore, UH UH! Mads and I both learnt our lessons :)

Some clown said something derogatory about Mallu-medium the other day on the BB. Took him apart on the BB. Effing Clown cannot write a grammatically correct sentence in English and then he mocks another educational background.

Maybe I did overreact, but I don't have any regrets at having said all that I did, including the very suggestively graphic retorts... My Dad is Mallu-medium and there is no one else on this planet that I am more proud of. English or no English, he's a better human being than I or any of those imbeciles can even dream of being.

Couldn't go for Onasadhya on Friday to Kairali... Too stuck in work :( But I guess it was for the best. People who did go did not return until 4 hours later :D

Today is the deadline for the enhancement :( Skipping gym to go to work at 6 in the morning... And then people say I don't work... Can't say I disagree though...

Feeling : Sapped, Zapped and completely Trapped

Listening : Sini Ne Sini Ne

Angel, you're dead as well

2008-09-11T17:58:00.004-05:00

People derive pleasure from someone else's misery... People are complete sadists about getting someone else into shit!

And then they have the audacity to call themselves friends!!

Angel mails me with a subject "Hello Mr.Shaadi.com"... EXCUSE ME?? Aww Bleddy!! :@ And now she's threatening to put my profile on Keralamatrimony.com. In her words, this has more potential for entertainment than anything she's seen in months.... GRRR!!!!

Sis is planning to extend her harassments to jeevansaathi.com as well... WTF!! Conniving conspirators!

God only knows what these two are doing... My mailbox is getting deluged with stupid spam... Apparently 5 females have expressed interest in my profile. All searching for god-fearing, honest, truthful, patient, well-qualified, well-settled, professional with good values, staunch family background, a sports person, calm and adorable, not a spend-thrift, outgoing and smart, decent and genuine good-looking man, upper-class family boy, tall, dark, handsome....

UGGGHHHHH!!!!

Bleddy hell, this sickens me... These females are looking for a cross between Will Smith and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi!

Sis had asked Angel to update the "About Me" (as in ME) section in my profile and I got a mail saying your profile info has been updated... Holy Benana Chibs!

And btw, here's the pic you wanted from my terrorist phase Angel. The one where I had a jungle on my face, I passed off as a beard :D

I think I'll renounce the world, retire to the Himalayas and dring kattam chaaya all day long now. These 2 females are going to end up making sure I stay single, celibate and female-repellent for the rest of my life.

...And Jay reads all this... AND LAUGHS... What is this planet coming to?? The Large Hadron Collider should have created some stable black holes, I would have pushed these 3 inside :D

For RETL-Mela, those dogs are using my strategy for publicity. The series of posts and stuff that I had done for promoting Parichay are being copied by them. I have to sue them for royalty now!

The writeup for Parichay that we had prepared earlier was too huge for Sparsh so they put that one in the HydDC page. Mads asked me to prepare a shorter one for Sparsh, which include details for the Bangalore Parichay as well. And this time it was entirely my creativity at work!

Mads sent that to the Bangalore team as well. Got some appreciative comments :D

I have been working late nights for ages now... Its taking a toll on my (questionable?) sanity! I type this and I'm off to sleep... Had an optional holiday between 12th September and 9th Oct and I'm taking up the latter... Goodnight folks!

Oh and yes, Onaashamsagal everyone :)

Feeling : Droopy-eyelidded :)

Listening : Conteo - The Fast and The Furious

Sis; You're Dead

2008-09-09T18:29:00.001-05:00

She created a stupid profile under my name in an even stupider matrimonial site. GRRR!!

I come back home in the night and see a mail saying "Welcome to Shaadi.com"... Now spam mails like this are not uncommon, but this one had my name and details in it; I was like WTF!

My suspicion compass first pointed at my bro, since he had done something on similar lines last year on my birthday. I forwarded the mail to him, liberally peppered with...hehe...expletives!

Today morning I get up to another mail from that same site. "Ever considered a wife, older and more experienced than you?? 47-year old matron looking to have a good time"... :$ Aww Bleddy!! Matrimonial site turned Escort Service??

I'm kinda missing Dad and his Mallu accent... So just trying to incorporate that accent in what I write :D Aww Bleddy, I will condinue! :P

People planning for Rock On movie on Sunday. Bookings open today, hoping Roch'll manage to procure tickets. Mads aint coming, she's off to Blore for the Parichay there.

Kinda pissing off when you are trying to get something, that everyone wants, done and people totally disregard these efforts and walk off... Earlier Mads and I both wanted Hyd team to go to Blore and perform for Parichay, everyone came up with reasons for not being able to make it. Now Mads can't make it for the movie... Valid Reasons + Ego = Frustrating Combination.

Parichay writeup is finally up on Sparsh, along with snaps. My butt pics are missing though, DARN :P

Em was looking at all the events in that My DC gallery section. There were pics from last year's Intercorporate dance as well. Richa and I had won the Intercorporate Couple Dance. Em says I looked sooooo young in this pic :P I'm sure she was plain jealous of Richa ;)

I had completely forgotten about last year's couple dance of ours. Richa and I had danced blindfolded to one song, then did a bit of jazz and tango to two other songs :) And we ended up giving an exceptional performance, even if I say so myself :D

Both of us had started out as part of the group dance only. But then the auditions we saw from Infy for couple dance, namely one, was so pathetic we decided to give it a shot as well :) Started 10 days before the actual event and put a lot of late nights into that. Glad it came out well!

This pic here is the ending formation of our group dance. Richa is standing on top of me! I was dog-tired by this time, so am glad my face was hidden ;)

Em says I'm doing a lot of chance-pe-dance in many of the pics... That got me pissed... What am I supposed to do? Maintain a One-Arm distance from girls while dancing? Or do a couple dance without touching the girl??

I "interviewed" my ex-onsite PM for the DA yesterday. I've got to document all of that and get it approved from my PM... Damn I hate all that nonsense...

Gotta go to office and call up 2 folks at onsite for the rest of the interviews...

Have a great day all... Ciao!

Feeling : Flummoxed

Listeining to : Bad, Bad, Bad - Raghav

Ho-Hum

2008-09-08T19:52:00.005-05:00

Just another day at work yest... Super-Boring and Staying-Late-causing...

Stupid enhancement isn't going anywhere close to completion. Sitting late doesn't even help, if work has already decided to stay cryptic when I'm around :(

Lot of money matters still pending post-parichay... Many of us had spent somewhere or the other on food... Have to start reeling in the debts now! Not even 10 days into the month and I already have pinched pockets :(

Well Salsa liked the poem I put on Creative yesterday! Scarface says its a pleasant change from my usual poignant depressing ones...GRRR! :P Em read one of my earlier poems and she loved that!

Everyday there are around 20-25 posts in the BB, inviting alliances. Em yesterday suddenly started looking for matches for me :O Out of the blue she starts forwarding those posts to me, asking if I want christians only or anyone will do! Mummy!! :P

Life has enough trouble already, why would I want to add to it?? :D

The girl who gets hooked to me will seriously go insane in a week anyway. Me and my histrionics will drive her up the nearest wall! I know myself, I can be a pain in all the wrong places.

I'm the kinda guy who would seek solace in an Ice-cream cone rather than in the arms of my wife. We might be sitting on the terrace one fine evening, and while she would be dreamily gazing at the stars and trying to figure out where we fit into this huge cosmic layout, and I'd be more concerned with lesser celestial objects, such as the Cheeseburst NonVeg Extravaganza pizza fresh from Dominos :P

A matrimonial ad for me would be incomplete without the adjectives "Intolerable, Unshaven and can kill for food" :D

Crux of the story, I can give people a really hard time, regardless of whether they are friends or whether they just pissed me off enough to justify me locking them up alone in a movie hall, screening a Nisha Kothari flick.

I'm skipping gym with the same regularity that Kareena Kapoor skips acting classes :( Post-Parichay all my long-lost flab is starting to come out at places, I did not even know existed...

Angel loved yesterday's story from her Fav Author too :D Hehehe! Well the story was all dripping mush again, yes, but I kinda liked the message at the end. However much shit happens to you, you still wish the other person, and their loved ones, well.

Time to trot my butt off to work... India Waivers = Immense Nightmare. Crap!

Feeling : Kabhi Aisa Lagta Hai :|

Listening : No I - Raghav

Ain't no Sunshine when She's gone

2008-09-07T18:23:00.002-05:00

Title does not refer to me. Was listening to this when I started writing the post!

I kept that title though because I know this will set off the foghorn inside Sis's head :P

Sis thinks I'm still stuck on what happened 4 years ago! Crazy Kiya Re :P Sis I tore up that pic 3 years ago in Mysore, in case you didn't know :)

I saw Bachna Ae Haseeno yesterday...

...and I'm glad I did not pay 100 bucks to go watch it on the big screen. I'm glad I spent 145/- on a Tandoori chicken + a 1.5L ThumsUp bottle to gobble down while watching it on my laptop :D

The females look gorgeous (Bipasha is scorching, Minisha is cuuuute and Deepika is...well...I hope I don't start viewing the next cab driver I meet with a deep sense of dissatisfaction :P), the guy dances well and that's about it on the USP of the movie.

Now I need to copy the steps in the title track. Its an awesome song to dance to!

There was a couple in Siddique's yesterday when I went to pick up my food. So now budding romance happens in Siddique's instead of the high-end cafes!

There was a friend of mine who used to do the same thing in college. He used to take his girl out to small out-of-the-way places, instead of the trademark Barista, CCD etc. He says the chances of being spotted by someone you know is lesser!

Well he had a point, since both he and the female were localites :) But somehow I cannot comprehend this compulsion to hide from the world. I mean what bliss is there in a date where you spend a greater effort on hiding!

The bliss will anyway end when the girl finds out that the red stains on the guy's shirt was lipstick and not mosquito blood like he claimed :P For the guy it ends much earlier, when he's straddled with the bill for the evening :D

Yesterday on the TV, some channel was showing that old movie Ek Duje Ke Liye. It was then that I saw that old song "Satyam Shivam Sundaram" shot on Kamalahasan and Rati Agnihotri in the lift. Downloaded that song and have been listening to it since yesterday :D

Also if there is anyone who can help me out with some Malayalam songs, please do! I need songs from Meeshamadhavan and one song from CID Moosa, the one that is made up of Hindi movie names :)

Work is becoming a much more intense nightmare now. I'm working on something called India Waivers now, and there is something similar in the news as well now... Hearing about it on the TV, or catching a glimpse of it in the paper, sends a shudder down my spine...

Feeling : Intoxicated :P

Listening : Main Shayar Toh Nahi :D

El Stupido

2008-09-06T19:44:00.001-05:00

Its what I am...

Divya messaged me yesterday at 9 in the morning, asking me to be at Angeethi at 1pm for lunch. I replied saying I'd be there and then dozed off at 10 and woke up at 4...

I had to call her up to explain my goof-up... It sounded like the lamest excuse ever... Damn!

Moreover I skipped a lunch at Angeethi :( Me who's a complete foodie :'( Can't stop cursing myself...

Anyway I consoled myself with a full Tandoori chicken from Siddique's :D Have to make up to Divz now... Any ideas anyone?

Mads is going all emotional over Parichay now! Being the smash hit that it was, we have already started to receive inquiries for Parichay2 :) Some folks have even started sending in nominations, wanting to be a part of the Parichay Team at Hyd :)

I'm glad that way something worked out for Mads the way she wanted it to... First step to achieving the dream she had of taking Parichay to a more global level :) And then she refuses to take credit for it... Sheesh!!

Roch's dream for Parichay was different... He wanted to dance with so many good performers he had seen in Infy ever since he joined. He was happy with the way Parichay turned out and is putting a lot of effort into keeping the team together.

And me, well, hehe!! I got mails from some big guns asking me to prepare write-ups for Sparsh and Khazana. That's the Infy Intranet Portal. Seems my antics on the BB have finally paid off :P

Well, Divya and Rachana finally came up with the write-up, and I did a little editing and poem-penning to that :) Divya especially writes very well... I cannot write abstract like she does!

Sometimes, voices, or maybe just a voice, can be one of the most beautiful sounds you ever heard. A melody that is part-dream and part-euphoria. A call from an unfamiliar number but a familiar voice. It makes you feel certain that whatever it is, its a gift to the world, meant to douse all that hurts in soothing joy.

Maybe not everyone would understand that miracle.

A pounding in my chest, a burning face, and more than anything I wanted to disappear, to vanish.

Even after so many years, I find it difficult to define myself... To explain to others what I am... When Em said she wants to know me, to know about me, I was blank as to what I knew about myself in the first place. The more I try to define myself to a particular pattern, the more I drown in my own confusions.

A face like spun gold, tempting like pulled caramel or cream spilling from a pitcher.
A portrait of Paradise, seen in a dream.
A meadow, a pond, a conifer garden over a ridge, tawny with green summer grass.
A cabin by the pond, made of fieldstone and logs, in a glen.
Blue smoke in a stone chimney.
A memory calls.
I miss you and I despise myself for it.

I stare, unseeing, at the memories, as if by a supreme act of will, I could make them vapourise. turn the present course of events on its ear and perhaps change the past and the future.

Yeah imagination overload... Sorry!

For Visa Stamping Date, I have to do some really stupid assignment, involving writing long flowery mails to onsite folks. Don't know where they come up with this pain-in-the-ass concepts.

Angel found a neighbour with a laugh like an asthmatic horse in her new workplace, so now she won't miss the cackling female that we used to put up with in Infy! :D

I went for tug-of-war in Hydrenaline on Friday :D Me and a certain other person completely ignoring each other. We lost though :( The other team was probably on steroids. Yeah sour grapes ;)

Sometimes I wonder why people have to interfere with my lazy and dreamy life. Get this straight you imbeciles, I want to forget about your existence until you are wiped out of your existence.

Maybe I'll remember you if I read your obituary in some remote corner of an insignificant page in the most unpopular paper of Nicaragua. Until then stay out of my face please.

Feeling : Quixotic

On the Playlist : Tere Dar Par Sanam

Take me to the Gallows

2008-09-05T18:31:00.002-05:00

Life is super-boring post-Parichay :(

Even weekends don't hold the same charm... I'm not saying I'd willingly go to work on weekends, but going to a conf room, playing music at maniacal volumes and dancing without a care in the universe, all this on a weekend was an other-worldly experience :)

Its after Parichay that I found out about a lot of shit that had happened then... Ego clashes, insults hurled around... Writing about it wouldn't change anything now... I still don't understand why so many of us are scared of admitting we are or were wrong...

The worst part: We tend to accuse someone else... Calling someone unfit or incapable of a task to hide our own fears or shortcomings, is something a conscience shouldn't be made to live with...

Em is so much like me... I've never seen anyone so much like me... We both are so identical, I can predict every move she's gonna make... I can just tell which way she's gonna react, what she's going to say, what would be going through her head, all that to sheer accuracy...

We are different in some ways too, although... She's got this craze for organizing something or the other all the time, just to keep thinking too much about the shit in her life... Me, I prefer to dwell on it and get it outta my head.

Someone she likes is going around with someone else, and she is helplessly hearing about it... Just taking that pain so much, that it'll rob her of her sanity or maybe kill her...

When you like someone so much, there is a possessiveness that creeps in... You cannot stand being ignored, you cannot be stand being best-friend-who's-always-there. You give everything just to be with them, to see them smile, to be the reason for their smile.

You put yourself through a self-inflicted hurt, just to feel a sense of victory when them come back to you, even temporarily.

But sometimes we have to ask ourselves;
Is the victory worth the pride?
Worth the tears?
Worth the endless moments waiting by a dusty window, watching the rains streak rivulets on it?
Worth the sleepless nights?
Worth the endless messages?
Worth the anguish?

If you care for someone, the hardest you'd have to do is to make her cry, even if it is essential.

There are no tears left, so we cry blood now??

A wait... be it for 2.5 years or for more than 4 years... Hurts equally bad... Hope multiplied, expectations increased, efforts doubled, tripled... And then everything seems pointless...

Em asks me if I am in the same boat. I didn't answer... Couldn't... Only hoping I don't repeat my mistakes. A cavalier attitude begets sorrow!

We both act all the time, Em. But I can see through your mask. Someone is yet to break through mine. Same boat, same river. Only I refused to give in to the continual pain...
The pain of seeing a forgotten smile
The pain of seeing a picture in my wallet
The pain of recalling a long walk
The pain of a journey taken to surprise someone
The pain of nights spent awake
The pain of reading messages, you painstakingly wrote down, word for word

Scarface quitting Infy soon too... I will miss her, damn I will... Despite the endless arguments we have, over the most pig-headed matters, I will miss her... The two of us everytime we talk, and then the next time we face off, we kiss and make up... Well actually we don't kiss, but still we make up :D

I'll miss that the most I guess... The fact that I have someone to fight with...

Harish leaving for onsite tomorrow... One gem of a guy he is... He was a major help during Parichay... Hope he's back for next Parichay... But then I don't know if I'll be around then...

Divya's birthday today... Went to her place at midnight... Happy Birthday Divz :)

Feeling : Indolent

Listening to : The Game - Motorhead

The Prodigal Blogger

2008-09-03T18:23:00.005-05:00

Yes convention dictates that if I have a blog, I shouldn't be so highly regular with abandoning it, in Angel's words!

This blog is my first love (or maybe second or third, not so sure!), how can I ever entertain the possibility of abandoning it?? :D

Anyway sorry about the long hiatus! I can spout all the cliched blah about how busy I was with Parichay, but I will not, since by not blogging about that when I was immersed in it, I put myself in a position to now have to recall it to write about it :) I think I'm not making sense here, so I'll cut short the justification trail!

2 weeks before Parichay was due, BB publicity was left to me. And boy, did we mess up!! Well some of us from the team did make some really silly errors, but then some dogs, namely a fellow called Venkata Anup Kumar Gorthi, acted a little too smart for our as well as his own good. I wanted to rip his ass apart on the BB, but like Mads said, it would have been adverse publicity for Parichay.

I don't care about my reputation, but Parichay would have faced the repercussions caused by my retaliation... Got into some major fights due to that particular screw-up... Lost quite a few friends as well... But I don't have regrets about my flare-ups... I stood up for friends... Have done that more often than people know...

People sometimes ask for a gilt-edged invitation to trouble... Gorthi asked for it earlier when he posted the lyrics of You're Beautiful by James Blunt on Hyd Creative... Remotely creative! And now this... It took the SOB 3 seconds to trash 3 months of our efforts... He's been warned now, it would be in his own interests to stay as far away from me as possible!

I put a lot of poems on the BB as part of this publicity exercise... All about dance and stuff! People liked that probably because it was different from my usual morbid ones ;)

Post-Parichay there were few morons asking why there was no Telugu song used in the performances, despite the fact that this show was in Hyderabad... Fucking Racists!! Assholes abound around... Or like VSS says, Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one :P

These were the same breed of guys asking why KK did not sing a Telugu number earlier, when he performed at Hyd DC.... Damn man!! How does one exercise tolerance with such nincompoops around?

Anyway Parichay went off pretty well :) I managed to remember all my steps except in the last song of the finale :( So all that does not end well, is not well??? Naah I don't think so!! The Parichay debut at Hyd DC was pretty impressive.

I guess what helped was zero expectations from the audience... Best part of the show was that audience stuck around to the end!! What more could we ask for?? :)

Worst part for me was...hehehe...well, the fact that I tore 2 pairs of trousers during the splits in my dances! Had to do the last 2 sequences with a considerable breeze swirling around my privates :P So now if I catch pneumonia, the costume guy will have to pay for poor stitching!

Makeup on the girls and the guys who opted for it, looked bad! I'm glad I didn't use makeup :P Not that it would have helped in reducing the scare quotient of my face, but that's another story ;)

We got the pics and videos as well... Posting some of them :) Yeah you might get bored, but well this blog is intended to be narcissistic remember :D

Spider web we made for the dance prop! I say we, even though it was Divya and Rachana's labour. I have managerial skills, I can take credit for someone's else's toil ;)

We got these awesome t-shirts made for the entire team. They turned out lovely :)

Guess which one is me here ;) Hint: I'm not at the extremities :D Incorrect Gender :P

Day after Parichay, Mads, Udatta and me were sitting segregating costumes. This is Mads and me against our stage backdrop.

There were more pics of my other dances, but blogger has decided I have uploaded enough for this post, so they will come later!

Mere Watan came out awesome!! All of us were in sync, which is a miracle, given that the steps were super-fast and coordination was something we had never achieved during our practice sessions!

You're My Sonia came out well too!! One female looks at a pic from that dance and tells me "Cute Butt"... Uhhhh Thank You (?) :P

We had a post-Parichay team lunch as well... Chaos reigned in the FoodCourt, courtesy, US! :D

I sent Angel another story from the archives of her Fav Author! Her reaction was AWESOME!! Heheh!! Yeah Angel, go ahead sue me, I will still continue to send his stories to you :P

Someone was stupid enough to act smart with me on the BB on Tuesday! And my innate sarcasm came pouring out! Angel asks if I use a whetstone to sharpen my tongue :D I'll take that as a compliment!

But I think she was right, all that venom was probably from me not blogging for a while. So Jay, Corny, Nilu bhai, Angel, here you all go :)

I have a lot more to write about but will save that for later :D

If anyone has any idea on how I can edit a VOB file, please let me know. I copied the Parichay DVDs to my laptop, but I need to edit them...

Feeling like : Unanswered Questions

Listening : Do Ya Thang - Need For Speed

Retired Hurt

2008-08-11T20:15:00.006-05:00

It rained again last night... And I went for a long drive... Ended up with completely numb fingers... Got back home and made myself a steaming mug of Bournvita - my ritual insomnia remedy...

Hot chocolate milk in lifeless fingertips... It gives you an awesome feeling of being alive...

I managed to injure my hip nerve yesterday, doing a split for the ending song... I'm having trouble walking since yesterday and I have a run-thru scheduled today. Damn!

Managed to split all the songs for today's run-thru, have to get them written now...

I used to think I make friends very easily. But now I think I don't... Maybe I changed over the years... Maybe I make friends only with a certain kind of people...

Keeping this post short.... Yeah Angel, your jaw will probably drop!

Hope I don't drop Mads during the lifts in You're My Sonia today! :D

Feeling : Uhhh....

Listening : Six Days - Mos Def

I am my own Nemesis...

2008-08-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

...my own Anti-being, the one that I'm constantly trying to run away from. I watch myself run away, watch myself pushing myself to my last shred of efforts, to the farthest reaches of my self-respect, and I watch this with the Devil's sadistic smile.

I watch myself playing my game, I let myself run far enough, I let myself think I'm safe, I let myself think I have finally escaped. And then I yank myself back, I creep upon myself stealthily and I tear myself apart.

Why does a person have to lie? Well some can claim that they did not lie, they just never told the truth. But a lie that is a half-truth is the blackest of all lies. And when you find out, it hits you and it hits you hard.

It happened to me on Friday evening... And to wash it off I took a walk in the pouring rain... That saying applies pretty well here... I love walking in the rain because then no one can see me cry...

Ever tried walking in the rain? Cold, hard-hitting, unforgiving raindrops pelting against you with an immeasurable force, stinging with an intensity that match the battles raging inside your head.

You can cry until you feel you have let everything out with your tears, until there's nothing left inside you, and then you can cry some more. Run until your legs give way and you fall into a dreamless sleep... Never wanting to wake up again...

I ran and I cried... In the rain... With all my might and everything I could muster from within me... And when I couldn't do that anymore, I got on my bike and drove... Rode into the darkness as if that wanderlust could hide me in a cocoon where nothing, not even my mind could get to me... To show me what I could not lose because I did not have it...

They say when Life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade... Unfortunately I just manage to turn them into low-grade explosives...

You meet someone and you feel a promise, a future, a hope of things going right, of things becoming better... and then reality kicks in... hard... Damn hopes, damn dreams, damn crystal balls...

For a second I thought Life, as I knew it, had changed.

A marionette at a fair... I look at my wooden legs... They don't move of their own accord... The puppeteer controls them... Puppeteers come, puppeteers go... And I hold on to the forlorn hopes of a better tomorrow... I don't want the damn tomorrow...

The sorrow runs in the veins... Competing with blood for supremacy... Sedating every cell in the bitter flood... Deja-Vu be damned.

So many things going good with life and instead of looking at the light-end of the shaft, I continue to sit hunched up at rock-bottom that I hit. I continually remind myself that I cannot crib at a choice I made, and yet I find a nice little corner and sit there staring at nothing.

I watch my life flash by... Music pounding away in my ears, unanswered questions pounding away in my head, beginnings of tears in my eyes... I do not let those tears fall and then I remember that I do not always have to be strong... And then I smile as I cry...

The tears fall on my shoe and I watch them stagnate... I see a face there, I see them smile and I smile for them... I smile yet again... I smile at the tear, I smile at my pain... I feel awful and I smile, and I smile because I smiled at feeling awful...

The tears still continue to flow... I bump up the volume on the headphones, to drown out the voices in my head... Music does not give me the escape...

I'm celebrating with much fanfare, the act of forgetting the people I once cared for... Laconically Ironic.

Feeling : Caught in a labyrinth, with a hailstorm on one side and a drought on the other...

Listening : Principles of Lust - Enigma

To Do or Not To Do

2008-08-07T20:30:00.005-05:00

Bro and me around 22 years ago. Yeah he's the cuter one!

Yesterday I did something that I normally wouldn't or shouldn't have done. I'll call it a temporary lapse of sanity and leave it at that and sincerely hope I never do it again.

I worked really hard for a change yesterday, but then that hasn't led to a diminishing in the staggering amount of work that is still pending. Plus I have to start doing some poem-writing thingy for Parichay publicity... Ideas invited...

My poems, like Corny says, are generally on Louwww or the Lack-of-it... How do I bring in Parichay into this? I can't just shoot off a limerick on Identity... Aaah anyway, I will give it my best! Have to do some kinda publicity stunt on the BB too... No ideas on how to do that either...

Started and almost finished with Kismat Konnection choreo as well yesterday. Its coming up good... It was the song I had decided to chuck under ego turmoil, but now its back!

They have started to come out with Parichay t-shirts as well now. Mouli asked me yesterday if I wanted any, for my friends... My answer : No Friends! I walk alone... Not entirely true, but then not exactly an untruth either....

I need a whisper of comfort to overcome the noise of my trials...

Feeling : Perturbed

Listening to : Kitni Haseen Zindagi - Lucky Ali

Point to Ponder

2008-08-06T18:33:00.002-05:00

Yesterday there was a discussion on oft-used Hindi movie dialogues on the BB. The first thing that came to my mind was the scene where the villain is advancing towards the girl, with a lecherous gleam in his eye, and the girl pulls out an eight-inch knife from a fruit basket and goes "Kameene! Ek Kadam bhi aur aage badhaya, toh main apni jaan le loongi..."

What's an eight-inch knife doing in a fruit basket... Did they start using fruit baskets for jackfruit now??

Yeah lame I know, but this topic's been on my mind since yesterday! But no amount of artillery positioned over my stomach can deter work from rushing down at me endlessly. I got another enhancement when I still haven't completed my old one.

I got so bugged yesterday that I seriously contemplated looking for a new job. And with this purpose in mind, opened a blank word document, set the page properties perfectly, included header and footer sections, added 2 more pages to make sure I wouldn't end up splitting sections, and then started to list out my achievements....and came up against a wall more blank than Salman Khan's comprehension of safe-driving...

I realised then that other than the impromptu dance and poetry, I had no other achievements in my 25 years. Not even the credit of winning a three-legged race or a lemon-spoon race in the third standard, which would have won me a box of crayons! Dance and poetry are not something I can give in a resume, unless I'm applying for the position of the official jester in His Majesty's court...

I had tried my hand at cricket once in the grounds behind my flat, back home. I was the eldest of the lot, so bullied myself into the opening batsman place. First swipe I took, the bat flew from my hands and bullseye-d itself at the groin of a neighbour uncle who was washing his car not-too-far-away, almost ending his family plans and definitely ending my cricketing plans.

Football in school was another sport attemtpted. I ran for miles zigzagging the grounds, without ever getting to place my foot on the ball. Its a different story that running itself used to be an effort for someone born into a family, where they feed sparrows in the morning and rich, sumptuous food to the children for the rest of the day!

Got lectured by Mads yesterday for not doing the managing bit of my team. Its a little tough to leave my injured pride at the sidestands, considering how badly it was mauled the last time. Earlier people had a problem if they weren't allowed to dance in a particular number and now they say they don't want to do it... WTF...

Ruchi didn't want to do Kismat Konnection. Had to get Mads to convince her. She's a good dancer, I'd rather replace someone else than her.

She says she misses the old times when we used to have fun at practice sessions before that ego clash happened. I miss those times too. The practice sessions used to be complete laughter sessions, unless, of course, they were laughing at me having left my fly open again...

Still trying to get the steps for You're My Sonia down pat in my head. Full Salsa, Mads must've lost it by now... The steps are simple for her, not-so-simple for me... Oh yeah, she's my partner, and I'm supposed to be leading her, but so far its been the other way round... :$ DAMN!

Em has been quiet past few days... Kinda lost with a lot going on in her life... Wrote down some stuff for her, though I don't know if she understood any of it, or even read it.

Em makes me sit down by her yesterday, saying its been long since we talked. She'd drown me in a barrage of coins if I just walk up to her and say "A penny for your thoughts"... Just trying to give her some space.... WTF am I writing all this for?

Feeling : Garbled

Listening : Laree Chhootee - Xulfi

An Ode...

2008-08-06T12:52:00.003-05:00

...to the walking-talking egos that abound in Infy, atleast in my dance team.

Know-it-all Smirks, Smug Expressions
Overflowing confidence, no signs of perfection
The inimitable “I can never be wrong”
Be it work, or play or a random song.

Zilch on experience, nix on talent
No remote indications of commitment
But, oh the pain and the tears, so worthy of a thesaurus
Anxious to form excuses for a conduct so pusillanimous

I dreamt in my life, dreams that stayed with me ever after
Dreams that are being sacrificed at a false pride’s stinking altar
Having levelled my palace, don’t erect a hovel for me
Don’t bask in the complacent admiration of your pointless charity

My ideas have changed, like wine through water
Altered in colour, purity and texture
Having the last word, is not always winning
Why say something just for the sake of saying something?

Apologies for the big words and flowery language
Didn’t intend to be sesquipedalian, not in this age!
But, alas, some people don’t understand subtle sarcasm
Maybe open jibes (like this one) will span the chasm

No, I'm not Suicidal

2008-08-05T20:11:00.003-05:00

Sitting here at the end of a long, eventful life, sets me to contemplation. Love is a complex emotion riddled with affection, guilt, jealousy and, at times, unbridled lust.

But the darker side of Love comes out when it's affronted, or poisoned... It scares me... The deeper one loves, the greater is one's potential to hate... I don't want that to happen to me.... I am capable of a lot of love, of hate, of pain... Its not that we hated each other, but then why did we both come to this juncture?

There is something that I have lost. A part of me that yearned to be touched. A void inside that needed to be filled. Maybe being alone is getting to me. Maybe I have been walking a vicious circle over and over inside my head.

Imagination is such a heartless thing. It makes memories mutate into dreams and brings a world of (welcome) pain, like an incessant plague. But then again this curse can inexplicably turn into your greatest virtue.

We all have our individual paths in life. I had a life to lead, I had a choice to follow. My choices led me to my undoing and my grief, but in the end, it is still my own wilful choice, not a coercion.

A life dying in front of my eyes... And I'm powerless to do something about it...

Feeling : GAH!

Listening : Keep on Moving - Tokyo Drift

As I walk the Green Mile

2008-08-05T12:27:00.001-05:00

Ablaze deep inside, an overpowering fervour
The vortex draws me in, I hold on in sheer terror
A mouthful of the sky, we ask of the heavens
Even as our lives lie in sixes and sevens

Knocking at a window, a ray of light seems to leak
A shred of hope for the strong and the meek
The leaves rustle and as my knees go weak,
I hear in the distance, a Father-daughter playing Hide-and-seek

A calling to trust my life and commit to His Way
I fought the good (?) fight and held on to my Faith
Its easy to be blind, to close my eyes and shut out my truth
Liberty, a price I pay for Vigilance; I can’t have them both

I witnessed despair, I witnessed despondence
I witnessed guilt in every sense
I witnessed slander, I witnessed sin
I witnessed my patience wearing thin

Footprints on the sand; before me, behind me
Innumerable roads, an endless destiny
Facets to friendships, a fear of persecution
A void so barren, a vacuum cannot be such perfection

Walking in circles, looking for my Answer
None to be found, the Questions just run farther
An end I need, as the snakes coil tighter around my neck
I stand in the shadows, keeping a cracked heart in check

A faceless hand on my shoulder, hold me so tight
My angels left me, thinking I’d be alright
Vision blurred, sorrow cloud my eyes, cold clammy skin
Smoke beyond my horizon, love and hate akin

I can say I’m not lost in the fog
I can say I will find my way out of this bog
I can say I have retrieved my solace
But all I say is that I need you to clear this haze

This is my Life, I don’t have to be perfect.
The mistakes I made, they were all worth it.
Scars, that have burnt their way into my soul’s bedlam,
Scare others so that they cannot see how scared I am.

A Fountain of Feelings

2008-08-04T19:18:00.004-05:00

Mads had a nightmare of a time coordinating with my team yesterday for practice and costume info since I wasn't there. Hehe!! And people thought my job was easy!

It would have been simple if everyone was willing to listen to reason, but assuaging over-inflated egos is one trying task.

I have to go today and take a status update of the tracks covered so far. The prospect of having to talk to some of the people there makes me feel like Adnan Sami being forced to pack himself in Priyanka Chopra's jeans.

Well they are not entirely to blame, I guess I can be a tough nut to handle as well. The government should be offering a Param Vir Chakra to my family for having put up with me for 25 years!

I am basically in a mood today where I feel nothing can affect me, nothing can make me lose my temper... I hope that mood stays for the day... I feel like I have nothing to lose at work, and I hope I don't! Frankly, I cannot let work take that number one priority in my life... There are other stronger contenders!

I want this feeling to come from really deep inside... Where pain and love stem from too... This feeling of complete unfettered detachment... It can lead to a feeling of happiness beyond everything, a feeling of liberation, a feeling of unadulterated satisfaction, a feeling of...WOW!

Angel had sent me this forward a long time ago, about Santa being from Jalandhar! I have never really thought about Santa and its association with Christmas... Santa is not a popular figure in India atleast, in the West its associated with milk, cookies, chimneys and Christmas gifts.

But then Santa is just a figment of imagination used to put children to sleep, while parents do the skulking around in the middle of the night, placing presents under the Christmas tree, all and sundry.

Love is the grown-ups Santa Claus...

Em was right when she talked about immersing yourself in work. Doesn't give you time to reflect and think the crap that keeps running at the back of my head. But then I'd rather have this gibberish slideshow running in my mind, than thinking about how to get around to testing that screen with the new user requirements...

Christ, I'm babbling now... My mind is going bonkers... Whatever can go bonkers, is indeed going bonkers... I hope the day is busy... I don't want the time to think about anything...

If anyone in the team gives me shit today, they are as dead as a thief in Mike Tyson's house...

Feeling : Disoriented

Listening : Rocket Ride - Felix Da Housecat - NFS Underground2

Hindsight at 50...

2008-08-03T22:17:00.005-05:00

No I'm not 50 years old... Just referring to this being my 50th post :P

Didn't go to work today. Had gotten soaked in the Saturday night rain and have had body pain etc since... But nothing beats that pleasure of getting soaked!

In retrospect, I wish someone could have taken my decisions for me... So that the decisions that I took despite knowing that it would hurt me real bad later, wouldn't eat at my conscience.

Its like I know the decision was unjustifiably mine, I was fully aware of its consequences, nothing or nobody else had a say in it, and it would probably end up as another thorn in a bleeding heart in the long run... but it means so much in the short run. Its becomes something you look forward to in the day.

I wish there was something I could blame all my catastrophes on... God...circumstances...someone...anyone... Whatever/Whoever it was that made me take a decision, a stand, a particular turn, a choice to dump everything I was doing, to go to the side of someone who needed me at that moment. But no... it was me who drew the short straw, I will stand by it... even if it hurts... Everyone hurts sometimes....

Ever wished you could wake up one fine day, like you had just been born? Like a newborn, with no idea of who or where you are. Every sight, sound and feeling unfamiliar. The world would be a place where everything would be new, intriguing even scary, everyday things, like a garden snake or a rattlesnake.

No fear, no apprehensions, just an intrigued eye... And life would be like a big blank slate... Ready to start all over again...

For some reason now, the more people I see, the more alone I feel. Most of our time is spent trying to lessen the pains of life... but there are some that just don't go away.... however much you try squashing them...

I made a new friend, Em (short for Empty)... Well not exactly new, she's someone I have known for a while, but then she read something I wrote, we talked and then something just clicked... We ain't best friends or something, I guess just 2 strangers, both alone, looking to fill up our respective emptiness... I'm not even sure how long it will be before we part ways...

I can't stop feeling this way about her... Somehow I know that while I'll always be there for her when she needs me, she will never be there for me... Something inside me just knows that... She is the kind of person who has never been alone in her life, and so is struggling now... She just needs my company to come out of this...

I have always been alone... And I'm kinda used to my own company now. Sounds weird when I read this, but then being in your own company is at the same time, the best and the worst thing that can happen to you. You aren't obligated to be nice to yourself, but at the same time you aren't exactly your greatest admirer.

I think that's why I am what I am. I can be a brat one second and a complete introvert the next.

Its raining here right now... wish I could write about rains the way Gypsy wrote in her last post... Reading that was like WOW! It sent me right into the centre of feel-good-lane! Vivid imagery, attention to detail, perfectly apt wordsmithing, I could actually see the kingfisher she described, even though it was just for a paragraph!

Seeing someone smile because of you is such an undiluted pleasure sometimes. And you realise its true value when it comes knocking at your door-step, at a time when the term was losing its absolute existence in the book of my life.

I welcomed that with open arms, but at the same time I'm afraid this would be like sweet poison to me. I have been there before, and sometimes there's nothing worse than déjà-vu.

I feel like going back to sleep now. And I feel the need to be lullabied to sleep. With soft fingers rustling through my hair.

Mood : Sigh...

Listening to : Brother Louie - Modern Talking

Egotism -> Usually just a case of mistaken nonentity!

2008-08-03T18:02:00.006-05:00

I write the last post and then I scoot off into the sunset! No parting words, just a lone renegade ranger, riding off into the horizon, on a horse or BMW, depending on which school of thought you come from and how many Clint Eastwood movies you've watched!

Well sorry, lately yes, blogging has been put on the highest shelf of my life's closet. Reasons are many, all of them to do with me. Work, Dance and a host of other activities... At the end of the day, it is still my indolence that is to to be blamed!

Jay kept re-iterating that I'm simply behaving high-and-mighty, by not posting! She used to check my blog everyday... Yaar checking my blog for updates is like digging a dead squirrel out of the garden! Why would you do it?? :P But anyway, no ego issues, x-ref the title!

Blogging is like making a baby pee. You cannot force it! Its not like I don't have time to fit in blogging, but once in a while you are completely, overwhelmingly so caught up with the roller-coaster ride that life is that blogging just doesn't happen...

Yeah I know its a common excuse bloggers use to explain lack of blogging: Life happened. But then that's when you have a million things to write about, as opposed to dull placid days!

But then Angel says my fans might have withdrawal symptoms (:P), so here we go with my malignant mutterings again :D

A lot has happened since the last post. Ego clashes at dance practice, cascading work, pizza parties, more dare-devilishness on the bike and the usual chutzpah!

Some folks in my team cannot dance to save their lives. I mean, if you are a bad dancer, why not just accept it and live with it, instead of being pig-headed about it and throwing a tantrum, one that would put a Rakhi Sawant to shame.

Now when I see them, I feel like taking a pistol to their heads... Wait I don't have a licence for guns, damn, fine someone get me a baseball bat.

I'm doing salsa for Parichay on the 22nd. Its frustrating for me to learn something new at this age and even more so frustrating for those unfortunate souls who have to teach me... Open-Hand-Cross-Body-Break and God only knows what else... Christ!

The other thing is a series of fast moves and stunts for Mere Watan - Amaan's fury. Now that is something I love! Cartwheels, One-hand-stands, Up-drifts, Splits, Knee-slides, Leg-copter, Kicks, Somersaults and the list goes on!

Raghu must have lost his patience with me so many times by now... One enhancement I had to finish, and I'm still stuck there... But then I cannot walk up to him and tell him I'll submit it after the next Hailey comet sightings...

Bro had gone home sometime ago and he got these really old negatives from some remote corner of the house. Spent a month's pay-cheque on restoring and redeveloping them, and they are AWESOME!! So many memories that we never expect to see again and then they suddenly come back!

Will be posting the pictures over time now, for now here's one of me on my dad's beloved Yezdi. Dad loved this bike, but had to sell it soon after. I'd love to able to get this back for him.

Scarface sees this and goes AWWWW... Angel says it makes her feel like connecting her foot with my kiddie ass :D... Corny refuses to believe its me, Jay finds it shooo shweeeet! Meg, Vysh, Salsa and Sis wonder whatever happened to me when growing up... Girls and their idiosyncrasies, SIGH! :P

Mood : Debatable

Music: Every breath you take - Police

Pain is Good

2008-07-22T20:48:00.001-05:00

...unless it hinders with dance :( My right leg and back is still paining. While walking around is a teeth-gritting effort, the worst part is having to sit still while a song like "Mumbhai" is playing! Couldn't even get up and do those awesome steps!

Hopefully in a week's time, my broken self will be in working order again :D

Lots of people pinged yesterday asking (with glee in their voice!!) about my condition and how it happened etc. One of them was Salsa. No that's not her real name, but she did try teaching me this, and both of us knew the nightmare of a student that I was! :P

Salsa refuses to believe I'm still single :D She says I'm funny though! Good to hear nice stuff about yourself :) Problem is the gap in between the good stuff is way too long :P

Anyway chatting with Salsa, my devious mind was, as always, twisting everything she said and throwing it back at her. She says that is probably the reason why I'm still single. Girls do not like loopholes, they like solid reality without the holes.

My solid reality would be way too cranky for anyone to handle!

Have you ever been condemned by your own heart? Do you sometimes feel guilty because of something you did years ago? Despite having confessed to it and accepted your sin, you still feel unworthy as the memory of it still haunts you...

Waves of remorse still wash over me and I stand here at the crossroads waiting to heal... My own hurt... And someone else's...

I stand here, at the edge of the world,
To the ends of my gaze, lies the barren savannah, unfurled…
There is this funny feeling, coming from deep inside…
Makes me mad, makes me angry, makes me want to go and hide

My brain says its depression; my heart says it’s just me…
My thoughts, my feelings, something no one will ever see…
My life feels like a prison, please God, let me out,
There is no one to listen to me, no one to hear me shout…

I plunge through my walls of insanity, into my waves of despair.
If it hurts, it doesn’t matter, there is no one to care.
Knowing that, it is no help at all…
No one to catch me, when I fall

I wanted a life, a window, to see the birds, the trees and the sky…
Maybe I’m better without one, stops me from aiming too high…
People would say I’m Psycho, definitely very weird,
But I know I am a different person, where has the old Me disappeared?

I miss you and everything we were meant to be.
You left, and something shriveled and gave up Life in me.
The tears snuffed, locked away, I sever the cause and carry on,
The freedom will be painful when, years from now, I shrink away from the Dawn.

The glassy Sun crowns the crystal Summers and I love the Cold, Dark, Dismal Rain.
The nights, a realm of stars; but no eternal peace, only an eternity of Pain…
The Schizophrenic in me turns edgy, the hallucination real bad,
And the vise around my head tightens, followed by a feeling sad.

This all is contained in me, my constraints they erode;
There will come a day, when I will explode.
All that will remain is a shell, a mere parody,
Killing everything else that was uniquely Me.

Desolation in the grave; The River of life, red with my blood.
The tide rushes in, washing away the damnation in its flood.
I cry my heart out, hoping to cleanse my sorrow.
Never realising that I did not want to live the Tomorrow.

I stand here in the tall grass, my eyes see a prairie of flowers blue.
My mind is breached, an unseen force, of which I have no clue.
I have this urge to ride off into the yonder, and discard this visage, this lie,
To dream without fear, to laugh with abandon, to vanish without saying goodbye.

I titled this one QLC - Quarter Life Crisis. Anyway Angel says all my poems are steeped in gloom and that she adores the mush that HorrorMeister writes! Just you wait Angel, I'm going to spam your mailbox with all of his mushy machinations! :P

Someone messaged me yesterday late night asking me to take care of me... I sent a barbed gibe back in reply... To that person: I know you wished me well, but I still hadn't forgotten what you told me earlier... I can't forget and forgive... I just try to ignore it and walk on... But once in while, that attempt does not work out... My pain took years to heal too... But no, you are in no way intended to be a rebound... Confronting your fears is probably the best, and possibly the only way to get rid of them...

One surprise yesterday was a call from Scarface. Surprise indeed!

Feeling : A longing that's driving me crazy

Jukebox : Bebot - Black Eyed Peas (highly inappropriate for my mood. Blame my playlist!)

A Bruised Ego

2008-07-22T00:53:00.002-05:00

I have always been a crazy driver, but figured I was not the reckless kinds. 500m into the Infy campus yesterday proved me wrong.

I was overtaking a car from the left side on a right turn. The driver switched indicators to turn into his parking space, and guess whose knee got a fairly forceful nudge from the car headlights :( Next thing I know is that I'm looking at a slightly tilted view of the road ahead... That hurt... And this was inside Infy campus.

Damn I felt bad for the car guy. It was a brand new car, an I-10, I think, temporary registration, even the ribbon hadn't come off from the hood... And I love all automobiles too much to want to hurt them.

I had the same experience with my bike when I got home with it on the 31st of July, 2006. A car parked without a hand-brake, came rolling down the parking ramp, and I saw it too late and did drive my elbow into the boot door, but it wasn't enough. So my bike got baptised with a dent on the day of its purchase :(

Anyway, I assured the car guy it was completely my fault. Asked him to let me know of the damages and I'd pay for it. He takes a look at my ID card and then says, "Yes I'm in RETL too". SHIT! Being infamous was more embarrassing than being hurt. My ID card doesn't mention my IBU, which means he just recognised my name... I was so chagrined, I did not even ask for his name... Dear gentleman, if you ever read this, please mail me and let me know who you were, I will remove you from my "People to kill before I'm 40" list! No seriously, I will just be eternally grateful!

I examined the bike after the crash yesterday, no lasting harm done. I'm glad nothing happened to my machine. As for me, I just walked away with a swollen knee, a cricked back and, worst, a busted pride.

Skipped Parichay practice, went to the hospital in the evening yesterday, as the pain got steadily worse over the day. Got back home at some 3:30 in the morning, which explains why this post was posted at a not-so-bizarre time :) I told Raghu, I'll take leave today, but I think I'll go to work... I'd get bored at home, plus it's not like I have been advised bedrest.

Flying into a storm is a dangerous experience. The temptation is to fly by your instincts, or, as aviators call it, "by the seat of your pants". Pilots call it a recommended prescription for disaster. Adrenaline may be effective in force-completing something that needs to be done, but relying on feelings and instincts can disorient you.

I face storms that confuse and disorient me all the time. A call from Doc, betrayal of friends, shattered dreams, these are such times when I need to be careful of what I do, how I react. Blinded by life's disappointments is not the best time to trust instincts.

Flying by the seat of your pants in the storms of life can lead to despair, confusion and vengeful responses that mostly make matters worse.

All my life I have tried to look at people as if I were seeing them for the first time. I have tried to trust them, to believe in them as if I had just met them and had no reason to believe they'd wish me any ill-will...

Life chooses some really weird ways to teach you lessons... All things truly wicked, have their roots in complete innocence...

Mads decided to mail that regular practice-skipper. She sent a very polite mail to him, telling him since he's missed more than 3 practice sessions in a row, we have to replace him. Damn! All my pent-up sarcasm evaporated... Diplomacy is her forte, I suck at it!

This guy then calls me up in the evening while I'm driving and says, "I can't practice, the timings clash with my project hours". I asked him to check his mail. I'm not sure if he was simply acting smart or if he was genuinely dumb!

Hope Parichay practice was productive yesterday.

Current Mood : Nursing a wounded esteem!

Jukebox : Hallowed be Thy Name - Cradle of Filth

PostScript: Corny you can go soak your head! My blog counter crossed 3K!!

Shopping Shenanigans

2008-07-20T19:22:00.001-05:00

I attribute to my innocence and ignorance, that I expected Central to not be crowded at 12pm on a lazy Sunday, when there is a sale going on. This is why shopping is an ordeal, atleast for me. I felt like a damn cyclist caught in a race between public transport buses.

See this attitude of mine to shopping is not due to the fact that it took me 5 hours to achieve what I would normally take 20 minutes flat to finish! My irritation is to be attributed to some complete jerks that I had the unfortunate misfortune to encounter there...

I offered to help one aunty at the mall with her multiple bags and she gave me an expression as if I had just tried to negotiate a deal for the night or something. Damn I know most females live under a cloud of potential molestation but does that mean I need to wear an I-will-not-rape-you t-shirt??

If a female thinks its the sole objective of every male on the planet to try and impress her, then according to her theory, I'm not a male.

Reid&Taylor section, one guy sporting a deodarant with a smell worse than the underpants of a pizza delivery boy on a hot afternoon, had to put his armpit right under my nose when he reached for (or rather grabbed at) a pair of trousers on the other side of me! Christ, I'd categorise that assault under biological warfare.

Then again there is the agony of the trial room. Or lets rephrase that as the room where the roof-to-floor length mirrors and the lights, bright enough to hold one day matches in the tropical forests of the Amazon basin, remind you of the fat layers that, you had forgotten, still exist on your body!

I think that is where my love for dark rooms stem from... It eliminates the possibility of taking a glance at a mirror and letting out an involuntary shriek at the sight of the hideousness that looks back!

Moreover, for a person who went shopping just for some formals that he needed, my wallet seems considerably lighter. No cookies for guessing where half a month's salary vamoosed.

Sometimes I wish I had a rich dad who was into smuggling!! Then I wouldn't have to let out a whooshing sound everytime I saw the price tag of a particular garment, then embarked in the search of apparel that would come at the price of a matchbox :P

If this shopping spree had happened in college, Dad would have sent two akhada-frequenting pehelwaans to wrestle my ATM card away from me! And I would have had to live on popcorn, without going for the movie I normally would have watched while eating it :D

Damn guy at the billing counter gave me this really creepy smile. I'm never going to him for billing again... Angel said something about my subconscious once and about me being a particular kind of magnet, damn, I'm so going to kill her!

Only consolation: I consumed 9 slices of pure non-veg pizza for lunch, apart from Garlic bread and other appetizers!

I wonder which girl will agree to even marry a guy like me who hates shopping from the floor of the underground bunker of his heart. But then that's not my only anomaly... I am absolutely devoid of any dude-ish qualities and probably am as engaging as a wooden chair, on a date!

Right, let me not spoil the ambitions of all the dreamy-eyed ladies who can't wait to get married to me! Lets move on with the other adventures of the guy with limited social etiquettes and rudimentary dance moves! :P

Sometimes I get really confused when I'm trying to decide whether or not to do something... Its a hard to figure when it is your conscience telling you to do the right thing, and when it is just that little voice at the back of your self-induced compulsion egging you on.

I cannot expect God to hit me on the head with a brick, underneath which there will be a message attached. It becomes my call...

I'm just hoping I find that quiet conviction, that sense of inner peace when I finally make my choice... Giving in to compulsion will only lead to distress...

Feeling : Battling it out with myself

Listening : Two Lane Blacktop - Rob Zombie (NFS Underground)

Bit off more than I could Chew

2008-07-19T19:35:00.002-05:00

That is what has been my very frequent mistake... I take too much on my plate and then realise I cannot eat all of it, atleast not in the time that's allocated for the meal.

Well Wednesday evening I got a call from a friend who was a batchmate in Mysore. He's in ISB now and is planning to dance for some IKEA event on the 26th. He asked me for help with that, and I have agreed...

Couldn't turn him down despite the fact that my schedule is more tightly packed than fodder in Laloo's cowshed. And then Corny dog says I'm playing hard to get... Plus I thought it was a good chance to meet some new people in ISB!

I was disappointed, however... Was in ISB till 3AM of Thursday morning... I knew Vijh and Guntas there, but the rest of the ISBians I met, or rather just chanced upon, came across as snobs who were born with silver spoons up their butts.

I don't understand why people have these stupid I'm-so-superior airs about them. Its not like they did anything specific to piss me off though... Can't explain, but try meeting up with some random folks in there, you might see what I'm trying to get you to see!

Anyway, Chandana says there are more people there like Vijh and Guntas, so hopefully, if the dance thing materialises, the time there will be a little more memorable than Wednesday night was...

That night wasn't memorable since it ended with Guntas getting a free ride to the hospital and now having to host the IKEA event while sporting a cast!

Shilpi's back from home and I think that trip's worked some wonders for her! Her face has this glow! Had met her in the foodcourt Thursday.

Parichay has been maddening... Mads managed to piss me off on Friday... But I know how much she's been juggling too, so I just sent a jibe back in return! No lasting hard feelings!

One guy has been regular in missing practice, without having the courtesy of even informing beforehand. I'll be sending him a mail tomorrow, with the subject "Your services are no longer required!" :D

Got into one of my infamous BB fights again! This time I was the one who set the spark off though! But anyway, got appreciated for what I wrote and the way I bandied with words :P

Bro's completed a year with a certain something :D! Way to go mere sher! Tarakki karega bete! But remember keep it cool... Else July will not be so lucky always!

Had the spoken test for Business Language Credit thing on Friday. I think I spoke in a pretty much inebriated tone to the lady at the other end, so I have no clue as to what outcome I should be expecting!

Have you ever felt like you're seeing something from your past when you meet someone? You know she's not the same, she's not her, she's very different from the memory you are holding on to, still somehow you cannot help feeling drawn, you cannot refrain from having a hope, you cannot stop yourself wishing for some kind of chemistry, even though inside you know that you feel nothing at all for this person, or rather you shouldn't...

Same twinkling sleepy naughty kinetic brown eyes flushed with mischief, crooked smile, slightly chubby cheeks, flower-bud mouth, high cheekbones, smooth skin... A look, ethereal yet not quite there, a wispy faraway perception captured somewhere in transit between woman and goddess... Mythic, mysterious, an object of the gaze, an archetype of divinity, an incandescent beauty, maybe something like that of a sylph, a nod to tradition...

I am confessing the wrong damn sin. MJ's "Will you be there" with a few changes:

In my darkest hour, in my deepest despair
I will still care, I will still be there
In my trials, in my tribulations
In my troubles, in my frustrations,
In my violence, in my turbulence
In my fear, in my compassion
In my anguish, in my pain
In my joy, in my sorrow
With the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part
You are always in my heart.

Life is easier than we'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable and bear the intolerable. There are people I can spend an eternity with...but not in this life.

I need to finish with my shopping today... I've kept it off too long now...

Feeling : Out in the burning desert, chasing a mirage

Listening : Hands held high - Linkin Park

Hitched and Hobbled

2008-07-15T18:46:00.007-05:00

Monkeyface says my current gtalk status msg is mokka, seri mokka... That's tamil so don't ask me what it means! She says I should put a status line like:

I am Eby
I am funny
Cute as a bunny
Nee Poda Panni!

She's mad, that she is!

Corny says me putting a poem suddenly in the middle of my posts is analogous to songs popping out of nowhere in Bollywood movies! Hehehe!! Its all a part of the codswallop that my blog is, Corny :D

Angel has threatened me with legal action if I continue to slander her on this website... Bring it on girl :P !! I still say you turn green with envy at the sight of Angelina Jolie, Katrina Kaif and the like :D See all this is a part of the tripe that my blog is too! Its all a ploy, a well-contrived conspiracy, with an intent of calumny! ;)

Yesterday after more than two-n-a-half years, I found out that one of my friends is in a relationship. No its not like I can expect him to tell me everything about his life, but we have both known each other since Infy Mysore, and if a close friend does have a special someone, sooner or later you do figure it out.

This guy had known the female when he was working in a call center just before joining Infy, and they had been going around since then. Though I think he took a considerable amount of time before saying yes to her :) Attaboy!!

Family negotiations are underway now, some caste probs from the girl's side, but they are expected to tie the knot, sometime beginning of next year... He's a gem of a guy, so I'm sure the girl would be a nice person too...

Another friend too just came back from home on Monday and her status update from back home is "in progress" so happy for her! Both sets of parents went out for dinner and things seem to be going well on that end :)

Yet another friend has to be meeting with her PILs soon and she's especially fretful about the encounter with MIL! She's all worried about if they will find her too fat, or skinny, or dark, or if she keeps smiling, will they think she's a retard! Relaaaax sweetheart, they will absolutely love you, I'm sure :) I'm convinced of the fact that I'm not the exception with a bad taste, and I'm definitely not a liar! :D

A junior from college got engaged too recently. She didn't inform anyone though, someone on her friends list just saw the pics she had put up in orkut and asked me. I didn't know either! Although the junior was a good friend in coll.

All this makes me wonder sometimes if I'm the only person from my generation who is still to get hooked up :P Not that I'm eager to, but then again I don't know that!

I thought I had reached that point once, four-score-by-twenty years ago. And I sure allowed that passing phase of my life to hit me hard. There is a wide expanse of difference between the Eby of 4 years ago and the Eby writing all this now.

I am sure it was for the better. And it brought out the writer in me. No Angel, the emo poems are not a specimen of my Devdas-ness! I haven't given myself to growing (or lets say maintaining) a beard, neither have I taken to the bottle!

I have locked up my past in a cast-iron chest and left it behind old, forgotten, rundown fences! I haven't even talked to you about it remember! That's because its not important anymore! Although I have written sunshiny poems earlier, but something's died inside me now, so can't write that way anymore, or atleast not yet!

Trust me Jay, I'm not dwelling on my past! Though I did find my old diary last weekend, and I read all the lovesick heartbroken shit I have written... Hand-written too!!! Man I can't believe I actually wrote that horse-crap four years ago!

Life's been good that way... Atleast I grew up! Memories revived, old longings passed through the blood once more, bringing back the sensation of the night when lips met, skins touched and hands explored...

Ahhh... WTF! Taking out the garbage is not one of my favourite jobs, but mustering up the courage and doing it is a peaceful feeling... When I forget to take out the trash, my condition is not exactly a pretty picture.

But I don't want to find myself rummaging through my past, trying to find the things I'm not quite ready to part with... A destructive habit I don't want to give up, a memory I want to cling to, a revenge I still want to ignite... I don't want to hang on to all that rubbish.

I think I'm just confused as to where my life's headed, on the relationships front!
Very confused...
And Single (**grin**)

Mood : Searching for Land!

Music : Simarik - Tarkan

A Monday without the Blues

2008-07-14T18:41:00.008-05:00

Finally a Monday that did not give me the jitters. But that's probably because it felt like another day in the middle of a very long week, given that I had worked on both days of the preceding weekend :(

Onsite call yesterday, my coord tells me that I'll have to start monitoring what the other folks in my team are doing and log their efforts as well in the various trackers... What do I do to make them understand that me doing my own work is an achievement in itself?

Instead of being satisifed with homemade food now, my leads are turning into gourmet cuisine snobs who'll only eat fresh wild salmon, caught in the Scottish highlands... Mummy!

I am still waiting for the rainbow... They tell me rainbows in dreams are pretty rare.... even rarer than actuality... and according to 'Interpretation of Dreams' (I think the one written by Sigmund Freud) it means everything is nice and happy in your life.... and I have seen a rainbow only once.....

I cannot understand why people fight... Not that I have never fought with anyone... I have, and more often with my friends than with complete strangers... What I don't understand is the need for the same... As in, what sense does it make??

When I fight with them, I'm indirectly telling them that you mean so much to me that I'm letting you affect me... Why would I want to let anyone mean so much to me? Of course though I would also fight with a moron who just happened to make the mistake of pissing me off! So the end condition is that they have not harmed me.

When some imbeciles spread trash about me, it irritated the hell out of me, primarily because they did it at a time when they knew there was no remote possibility of me walking up and thrashing the living daylights out of them. Cowards!

But after sometime it stopped affecting me... Not that I ignored the rumours... No I still get to hear them, the last one being Sunday evening... Its just that whatever they say/do stops ruffling my feathers. So I don't even have to make an effort to curb or suppress my rage, simply because there isn't any...

Those cretins have reached their lowest affecting level with me... Lower than someone I'm angry on or hate... And that is when Life becomes comfortable, even fun! You are able to keep a professional rapport with them, even when you know that there was a time when they made your life miserable; because they have gone a step beyond miserable. They have reached the distant land of "You-fuckers-don't-affect-me-anymore-so-kindly-go-fuck-yourselves"!

But before this point of closure, there comes something else we must deal with. Its called ego, something that I possess in whopping amounts!

What really is ego? I mean there are so many things that happen because each of us do not let go of our egos. I fight with Scarface because of my ego, she stops talking to me because of her ego, we both behave like complete strangers in public because of our hyperbolic egos... And no its not pride, it is very much ego...

Its not an arrow in the dark, its personal experience. I have seen people behave as if I don't exist because of an enormously inflated ego. I doubt if it was something more than that.

And what is all the ego worth?
Broken friendships?
Broken hearts?
An uncalled number?
A smileless face?
A smiley-less (or, in Scarface's case, TBPTHHH-less) conversation on communicator?
A joyless day?
An hour less of sleep?
A restless night?
Blisters in the feet?
Cramps in the legs?
Is it all really worth it?

Whatever it is worth, it still rules... And it still puts me through these mental maledictions!

John Clare put my dreams so perfectly in words: "I long for scenes, where man hath never trod, a place where woman never smiled or wept - there to abide with my creator, God, and sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept, untroubling, and untroubled where I lie, the grass below - above, the vaulted sky."

Ralph says Hancock was good. Hope I can find a decent quality of the movie to download.
Angel says Wanted was bad though! I'm sure she was plain jealous of Angelina Jolie! :P

Feeling : Born to be Wild!

Listening to : Singh is King!

Deplorably Depleted

2008-07-13T18:08:00.002-05:00

The whole of last week's been crazy... There was not even a weekend to have looked forward to, as I was working on both Saturday and Sunday...

And then Raghu says I don't have the pressure it takes to get work done on time... So I'm supposed to organise the raining shit in the dance, put up with the idiosyncrasies of some morons there, handle my bachelor life and its nuances outside of work, as well as work my ass off...?

People need to understand that I cannot be perfect in everything I do. Einstein was a genius who gave the world The Theory of Relativity, a person who could propound revolutionary theories about the cosmos, yet had trouble with something as simple as rhythmic counting, while playing in an orchestra, despite being an accomplished violinist...

Ahh... Whatever...

One of my dance-colleagues happened to chance upon me talking to myself yesterday... OUCH! No not that it matters, but I was kinda startled to suddenly turn and see him staring at me with a peculiar expression on his face! :P

Angel watched Wanted last night and Ralph went for the late night screening of Hancock. I'm trying to download them both at home :D Sue me for Piracy!

Feeling : Exhausted

Listening : Lying from you - Linkin Park

V for Victory? Also Victimised!

2008-07-09T18:22:00.007-05:00

Handed over Angel's relieving letter to her yesterday. Was bestowed with a Nutella for my efforts :D Its chocolate for breakfast next 2 days atleast! The jar won't last beyond that period :P

Victimised is what I have been feeling like, the whole of yesterday... Work's being heaped by shovelfuls plus there is always the dance part to be worked out!

I am gradually approaching a milestone in my life where my work comes first... No longer diverted by other emotions, I work the way a cow grazes. Be it the technical stuff or something like Parichay, its just endless waves of work... I'm starting to lose track of time...

There are frequent moments in life when you feel inundated with a deep, sincere overflowing sense of gratitude to the One sitting up there somewhere...
Like when I am sitting at the window on a cold wintry morning and the Sun suddenly decides to shine through...
Like when I'm lolling around on the terrace in the middle of the afternoon and the heavens decide to pour...
Like when I wake up late on a weekend and find a blue overcast sky with moving clouds outside...
Like Tang-on-the-rocks on a cool breezy evening, sitting in the verandah, with feet propped up on the railing...
Like a phone call or ping from a long lost friend, especially when you are feeling lost...
Like playing a prank on Jay, and almost having her fall for it!
Like the way you feel, when someone tells you they miss you...
Like the truth in your voice, when you realise you miss them too and you tell them so...
Like having a special someone fall asleep on your shoulders, at just the right spot, during a long train journey...
Like watching her wake up because of a train jolt, and then blushing under your gaze...
Like a kiss being placed at the spot between your left cheek hollow and your mouth, once she's done blushing...
Like a first kiss, under a sky swept clean of clouds and awash with stars, as the train sped across open fields...
Like a good hot meal of mom-made daal and roti...
Like piping hot tandoori chicken...
Like listening to Yeh Haseen Vadiyan from Roja...
Like watching The Lion King for the gazillionth time......
Like a laughing newborn...
Like a stupid joke...
Like a flowing river or a restless sea...
Like the current wallpaper on my laptop (Angel and me)...
Like a nice memory...
Like a rainbow...

I'm waiting to see a rainbow... Its been raining intermittently here past few days, and I have been having this weird intuition telling me that if I see a rainbow, my chaotic life will fall into place... Every single bit... No I'm not superstitious, but I'm not able to get rid of this strong feeling somehow... Its just taken hold of something inside...

Why is a peaceful co-existence so important?? Is it impossible for every person to exist in his own harmony?? Is the universe so vast that we need others to make it to the other end??

Are we that alone??

Am I that alone??

Mood : Haunted to be Wanted

Music : Yeh Haseen Vadiyan - Roja

Dog-Tired

2008-07-08T18:43:00.002-05:00

What a yesterday.... Now I know what a juggler goes through... Except that I juggle with chainsaws instead of plastic balls!

4.03 AM - Wake up

5.03 AM - Yesterday's post

6.03 AM - Walk down to the bike and then decide to skip gym and head back to the warm bed upstairs :)

7.03 AM - ZZZZZ!

8.03 AM - Huh... What... Office... Shit!

9.03 AM - Gulping down smoked Maggi!

10.03 AM - Running around to get a call booked for a new request...

11.03 AM - Sitting in the call yawning my head off...

12.03 AM - Trying to explain to onsite why I still haven't been able to finish an enhancement given to me more than a month ago :(

1.03 PM - A long walk to Subway, while trying to decide the sequence flow and song duration for Parichay

2.03 PM - Taking an Endevor session for the new resource who would soon be going onsite...

3.03 PM - Attempting to explain to my SPM why I did not attend a session I was supposed to, while trying to avoid his burning glare!

4.03 PM - Convincing people to stick to the songs they have been allocated, instead of whining endlessly.

5.03 PM - Running to and fro with the phone stuck to my ear, trying to get Angel's relieving letter!

6.03 PM - Angel's letter in my hand, or rather stuck to my shoe soles, while headed to practice!!

7.03 PM - Choreographing Khallas with Ruchi's help

8.03 PM - Having Udatta come in and change all the steps!

9.03 PM - Coming back to desk, sending a mail onsite, giving status updates, scarpering for the day...

10.03 PM - Reaching home...

11.03 PM - #&#^Woozy$%

Life is very dithery right now... Probably gonna stay this way for the next 2 months... Damn...

Angel's officially outta Infy now... She can join the other place and have the unemployed tag removed from her head! But I still have your letter Angel... MUHAHAHA ***evil laugh***!! Nutella will not suffice now!! And the only time I'm available is at 4 in the morning, so wake up then and gimme a call :P

No mood to go to the gym now... Lets see how I feel an hour later... Ciao... Have a great day!

Feeling : Lax

Listening : Nobody Like You - Mission Istaanbul

In Memoriam

2008-07-07T18:34:00.003-05:00

Prabhakar, the colleague of mine who met with an accident 3 weeks ago, was transferred from ICU to the general ward on Friday. He was only on dialysis as his kidneys were still not functioning, but otherwise was said to be recovering. On Saturday, he developed internal infections on his exposed wounds and succumbed to his injuries at 4 in the evening. A sad day for his family.

I know I have been very blunt in writing about his death. Although somehow I would have preferred death over the life that survival would have offered me. I would have lost all will to live with a quarter of my body missing.

All I can do is keep him in my prayers and intercede for his soul.

Angel's having to do a lot of running now, because she still hasn't got all her clearances from Infy. I don't understand the stupid policies. For eg, you have to take a no-due clearance from the libraries of ALL DCs even if you have never been to any of them locations. WTF!

Hopefully things will work out in her favour soon. Fingers crossed, elbows twisted!

Bucketloads of work at office yesterday, plus the moral responsibilty of attending Parichay practice, damn life's running on single battery, double power... I'd love a vacation right about now.

As a youngster, I remember my mom always telling me not to waste food, water, electricity etc. Money especially... No going to school and spending 10 bucks on an egg-roll just because I felt like it. No my folks weren't stingy, but Saving was a way of life and sometimes it drove me crazy. I wanted to be wasteful, to splurge. To my fascinated mind, waste meant affluence and I wanted to indulge in it. I wanted to throw away things, knowing that there would always be more.

Maturity comes at a point when you learn, painfully, that sometimes there just isn't anymore. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it, it's best we love it... And care for it... And fix it when it's broken... And heal it when it's sick.

This is true: For relationships... And old cars... And children with bad report cards... Dogs and cats with bad hips... And aging parents... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep, like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special... And so, we keep them close! Atleast I try...

Once I set people as my priority, it destroyed half my life. I kept them away, they called me a loner. Now I try to make friends, they sense trouble. I've had enough. I will again set people as my priority and they will destroy me fully. All will end.

Scarface, I don't believe I have ever said anything to indicate that I do not want you involved in my life. But I cannot make efforts forever. I played my part, I'm done with my struggles.

Feeling: Lost

Listening: Khuda Jaane - Bachna Ae Haseenon

Thank God for the Little Joys

2008-07-06T18:12:00.002-05:00

I watched Jaane Tu ya Jaane Na over the weekend. Its not an exemplary story with a unique plot or anything equally extraordinary. A feel-good teenybopper romance movie with decent effort from all the protagonists. I wouldn't mind going for a second watch. Although type-A personalities would definitely hate this Aamir Khan Production :) The climax though was a little too cloying and silly...

I just re-read this last para and I felt like I was writing a movie review. So I'll stop right here and say please go watch the movie; If you like it, well and good, if you don't please don't email a virus to me!

I was supposed to go shopping for much needed formals and stuff yesterday, but lack of time and a lackadaisical nature pushed that further down my to-be-done list. Angel, I hear the distant crackling of flames... Something burning??? :P

I seriously wish I could pay someone to do my shopping for me....

Someone was major pissed when I baptized him on the blog with a new name!! Accept it Corny, that's what you are! I chose Corny over Cynical because...well...lesser syllables! :P Yeah Har Har to you too!!

Jay seriously needs to get the inside of her head cleaned out with soap and probably phenyl too! The nonsense she comes up with... MUMMY!!!

Angel hope you got the call in the morning :P Damn you slept through it though! So my dream of shattering your early morning dreams went poof!

Got a run-through dance performance on Thursday. I'm so dead!

Aint got much else to write so will conclude here and go indulge in my first love... Working-out, that is!

Oh, the subject...? Well Little Joys matter! Just feeling all sugar-and-spice about something that happened yesterday! I feel like cycling now :) Or maybe take a walk in the rain or in the dewy moonlight...

Feel like: I'm the King of the World!

Listening to: Is this Love - Kismat Konnexion

As We say Au revoir

2008-07-05T19:42:00.009-05:00

Goodbye is not Farewell
The End is never too near to tell…
Your life will complete the circles, so say not your adieu’s yet
Our Destinies entwined, we will see together another sunset…

Wrote this sometime ago, but just found it apt for Friday. Two friends just celebrated their last day at Infy. And I'm gonna miss them... Especially the one who still hasn't been relieved ;) Yeah Angel, your wish has been fulfilled, I am going to get bored from Monday :( Cycling didn't materialise so I can't write about how you fell off either. Damn!

All the best with your new mysterious persona, which I'm sure is gonna be no different from the old "snooty" self :P ! Be yourself buddy! Although I still vote for the arrogant makeover :D

And yeah I AM very pissed at not having received a sappy/soppy personalised sentimental mail. Something starting with the lines "Dear Eby, in the three weeks that I have known you...." ROFLMAO :P !

Chandana, all the very best to you as well. Hope HKU and the "fight-of-your-life" both work out well for you. I had plans of coming to Secunderabad Saturday morning, I was up at 5 too, but you know why I did not come. I know you visit this space so you will get the message :)

There are certain other assholes who still visit this space too. Even after having proclaimed to the world that "I seriously regret calling that guy a friend" and "I never want to c that guy's face again in my life". Well sirs and madame, you better wish your ass off that the latter comes true. Because if it doesn't, I will put your respective mandibles out of place.

That may sound like a monologue from a C-grade Mithun movie, but some of you know I'm capable of it. Reason: Well I have been accused of something that I'm morally and, more importantly, intellectually incapable of doing. And some of the accusations are such that they would require me to be a mind-reader, which again is technically NOT feasible.

This is something I wrote when I learnt of these accusations and it depicts my current state of mind. You assholes sitting seven seas away should try not to rile me right now, for your own good. Leave me alone, turn around, keep walking...

The morning dew, fresh below my feet
The stagnant pond, the woods, calling sweet
Peace, in the solitude of the dark and lonely night
There is no urge to stay coiled, ready to take flight...
The voices relieve me of my mask of the day
The underlying fear still strong, that it will break some day....

"The voices" would be people like Jay, Sunshine, Corny, Scarface, Angel, Dood, DJ, HorrorMeister and so many others on the BB and in general, people who do not know how valuable they are to me, people who have been instrumental in not letting me burn up in my fury. I may not share the same camaraderie with them that I shared with you, but atleast they put the crack of a smile in the mask you assholes forced me to put on.

I still say Friday was a bad day though, if not for Angel. I had two close shaves on the bike enroute to office. The first wasn't my fault, the second was :( I was crossing the road, just out of home. A Sumo drove up at a really high speed for a busy road and narrowly missed my bike by a couple of inches....and hit my ego. Hard. The chase was on, but my idiocy kept up the chase till the IIIT junction. The Sumo went straight happily and that's when I realised I had to take the turn. I took the left in true stuntman-style, putting ample effort on my brakes and ample friction burns on my rear tyre! If I hadn't done that, I would have flown over the divider and under the cab coming from the opposite direction.

Sunshine has been on this ego trip past few days! Climb down from the clouds honey, before you topple off. Well you know of two "studs" who have/had a massive thing going for you and I know of 8 others. That should be a major boost to your inflated pride! Useless!! Lil-Miss-Sunshine is one babe in dire need of a reality check! :P

Things have finally got off their ass in Parichay. Folks still show bucket-loads of attitude in coming for practice. Thought I'd give them the weekend off, but Mads (my boss) had other plans :P So we'll be meeting for practice today. I'll be going late though.

Feeling: Seeing right through!

Playlist: Forgotten - Linkin Park

Broad Strokes

2008-07-01T18:38:00.009-05:00

Wonderfully cold last night, spent with my wonderfully ritual insomnia!

Shilpi was supposed to make me Daal Makhni, Amritsari Chhole, Bhindi for dinner and Kheer for dessert on Monday night! Just thinking about it makes me feel starved! :P Hehe! Well it was a golden opportunity to have some homemade food after a long time... But did not work out, due to some reasons.

Anyway, she'll have to make up for it once she returns from home! So Shilpi I hope you took notes on the menu I have mentioned :P

She's off home this weekend and bro will be going home from Pune in 2 weeks too. Its been a long time since I went home... When I went home in December 2006, after more than a year, I did not tell my folks that I was coming home. Only bro knew because he came to the station to pick me up. Mom refused to let me inside the damn house!

Angel is disposing a lot of her old forwards into my mailbox these days. I welcome them! They allow me to take a break from my hard-working (?) office lifestyle! She sent me a lot of Garfield strips and I was reading them along with my other cartoon collections. I came across some of my old Peanuts collections too.

Human nature being what it is, most of us have a tendency to more easily see the problems and faults in other people, organizations and communities than we do in our own lives, our own families and our own businesses. Lucy of "Peanuts" fame -- a source of humor and wisdom, one of the great theologians of our time and certainly one of the most outstanding philosophers ever -- puts this observation into perspective.

One of Lucy's greatest observations occurred when Linus, obviously troubled, appeared with his security blanket in tow and his thumb safely in his mouth and asked, "Why are you always so anxious to criticize me?" Lucy's response was classic: "I just think I have a knack for seeing other people's faults." Exasperated with that, Linus threw up his hands and asked, "What about your own faults?" Lucy never hesitated. She explained, "I have a knack for overlooking them."

The only thing that keeps this from being completely humorous is the fact that that approach to life brings discomfort and misery, particularly to the one who's dishing out that kind of statement. Somebody once observed that he would prefer being the person who bought the Brooklyn Bridge to being the one who sold it. The recipient of cynical put-downs is hurt, but the one who gives them is ultimately hurt a great deal more. Acid destroys the container in which it's stored, and Lucy's humor -- many people's approach to life -- ends up being the acid that destroys the container. Take the humane, sensible approach. Look for the good in other people. Encourage them. Build them up. That method might not be humorous, but there are very few things as satisfying and beneficial.

If we judge our future by what other people think of us, in many cases, we would have a dismal future. For example, one of Abraham Lincoln's early teachers said of him, "When you consider that Abe has had only four months of school, he is very good with his studies, but he is a daydreamer and asks foolish questions."

One of President Woodrow Wilson's teachers said this of him: "Woodrow is a unique member of the class. He's 10 years old and is only just beginning to read and write. He shows signs of improving, but you must not set your sights too high for him." Apparently, Wilson's sights for himself were considerably higher.

Perhaps the most astonishing mis-diagnosis of another person's potential was expressed by a teacher about Albert Einstein: "Albert is a very poor student. He is mentally slow, unsociable and is always daydreaming. He is spoiling it for the rest of the class. It would be in the best interests of all if he were removed from school at once."

Other people's opinions can be important and helpful or completely wrong and destructive. When you have a low opinion of someone else, make it your business not to express it; when you have a high opinion of another person, do express it. You just might be the instrument that will propel that person to significant heights.

I know I do not follow all that's written above. I'm the preacher who has a long way to go on the practice route. But well, few days ago, as always, I got into a stupid argument on the BB. A person pings a friend of mine and tells him, "He [Eby] is like a little boy who is lost and has no idea about life." I don't want to irritate people, but they won't stop judging me! And then I burn fuel over the repartees... Damn!

I had to appear for a Business Language Learning Credit exam thingy yesterday. Full english diagnostic some crap! They made me write a damn essay. Felt like I was back in school for a moment!

Angel wanted to go cycling yesterday. But we got busy, so plan postponed to today. I'm so damn sure she will fall off the cycle :P No wait maybe we will find some tricycles too in the parking lot! See I'm short too. But then I don't have to use binoculars to see the adjacent person's head :D Just kidding Angel!

Monkeyface's last day yesterday :( I will miss you daa!

Oh yeah update on CF. Well not exactly update, just a little poem I wrote for her :)

I wish my eyes could speak what my heart feels for you
Because my lips can lie on what is true...
Still, my eyes couldn't say what my heart knew
Because if I close them, they still see you!

Yesterday I got rated 7 out of 10 by someone! Good or Bad, still haven't made up my mind! :D No false hopes though! Trust me :P

Salary's come and I feel so rich! Feeling lasts only till when I have to pay my bills though! Need to do shopping, so tedious that is! Yes Angel, I'm rubbing it in :P

Feeling : Say "COOKIE"!

Playlist : My Time is now - John Cena

All or Nothing

2008-06-29T17:49:00.005-05:00

Life's simple; you make your choices, you don't look back. Life is not about having money, family, friends, loved ones. What you need around you is trust and character. Its who you have got around you that lets you know who you are. But a life in exchange for finding out what a man is made of; is it a price you can live with??

It doesn't matter anymore whether you are outside or inside a particular circle. What matters is knowing what you want, and going after it.

Random Ramblings yeah... I scrambled eggs for Saturday morning breakfast... And it was such a wonderfully "appetite-killer" breakfast, that the hen would have been insulted. If she had tasted that, she would have spat it out and asked me "You killed my kids for this?"!

Wait, this is my blog, I can't berate myself on this :P
Well at the risk of sounding supercilious, I hereby decide not to continue!

There are a lot of damn deadlines in my life... Personal and Professional. Its starting to mess up my brain too. One of my friends called me yesterday and in between our conversation asked me "What work do you do in Infy?" and I answer "I work at Infy"... Uhhh.... :$
Reminds me of the Pink Panther line "The killer is Yuri the trainer, who trains."
Yeah my sense of humour had already reached rock-bottom, according to my last report, and has now started to dig!

Anyway haven't been able to blog past few days because I haven't been able to wake up in the mornings past few days, since we've been having some splendid rains in this part of the country and I have been enjoying those showers on my rooftop, with ice-cold Tang for company.

Some folks I know do not enjoy the rains. Well the conditions are slightly different from mine though! Angel, for eg, gets stuck in the rains at the wrong time always. She'll be outside shopping (her cardio!) and then the heavens will open up at a time when there are no autos around and she just happened to not own an umbrella! Hehe!! She'll attempt walking home and then lose her shoes to an open manhole, step into a squishy mud puddle and then have some passing truck/car give her another free shower! And then she'll have to get home and scrub herself for hours on end :P

Well that is just a case even Lady Luck gave up as a lost cause!

Raghu asked me if I was married a few days ago. DAMN! I don't look that old, do I?

Someone put up a really stupid post a few days ago, asking for help in a "Louwww" related matter. A girl proposes to a guy sometime in their 10th standard. Girl's mom finds out and reprimands her. Girl tries to commit suicide by gulping down a mosquito coil with water (?). She survives though. Then they drift apart. Then 8 years later she tracks down the guy using orkut and the guy falls for her. Now she says she will not marry him because she first wants him to go through the same pain that she's been through. HELP!

Damn sadistic female has been watching too many of the melodramatic soaps. And if the guy still thinks she loves him, he needs professional help. Angel was right when she said both of them should give the "Mosquito Coil" therapy another shot.

Another friend of mine pinged me now, asking me how to get rid of this guy whose been scrapping her on Orkut constantly. I don't understand this exotic breed of guys. They continue to amaze me with their amazingly low levels of self-respect and amazingly high need to talk to a girl. They'll create a profile with a half-naked Brad Pitt/Will Smith/Shahid Kapur/John Abraham pic, learn a few basic "very ok very ok" English words, stretch their fingers, and unleash their desperate fury on the cyber-world. I'm sure in real-life they go around begging "please talk to me" in front of electric poles in the neighbourhood.

For example, my friend she receives a scrap "Hi, I sawed (?) your orkut profile. You look sort of simplicity. I have added you in my orkut. Plz Plz Plz accept my sincere request." WOW!! Itna desperate kyun hai mere laal? I can imagine him looking "sort of stupidity" as he typed that scrap.

The same thing happens in the blog world too. A female starts a blog and she gets "sweeet blog", "cuuuuute blog" comments before she even puts up her first post! All she had to do was fill up gender info on her profile! DAMN! And then Sunshine says she doesn't get comments! Yes Lil-Miss-Sunshine, I'm pointing at you :P

About my friend, well the guy scrapped her again and said "I'm waiting four you to accept my request." Well you can wait "five" buddy, she isn't gonna accept it :D Brimming with self-esteem, must say! He'd probably give up his pancreas, liver and both intestines to have her talk to him!

Someone told my friend Maalik about my ethnic day wardrobe malfunction... That person is SOOO dead! Maalik sirji, I'm gonna immortalise your vespa now! To justify my tragedy, well, I was (literally!) holding my pride in my hands! Else it would have been a half-monty catastrophe!

Maalik says I write amazingly well :) Thank you sir! But then I can't take credit for it. Much of my expressions/analogies/writings come from so many books, sites, articles that I have read. That's why professional writing is definitely out of question! But Maalik sir, that does not mean I will not write about your escapades at a certain ICICI bank in Mysore! ;)

I was dancing to Kismat Konnexion yesterday evening. My roommate walks in, looks at me in horror and screams "Someone help, Eby's having a fit". Self-Confidence went KABOOM!

Mood: Contemplating the feasibility of acquiring MPD ;)

Playing: Dil Ko - Shaan

Confusing = Funcosing

2008-06-24T18:32:00.003-05:00

No the title does not make sense. Its not intended to! Early-morning my brain flickered causing me to realise that re-arranging the letters did make "confusing" sound like "fun-causing"... No its not intended to be relevant to anything I'm gonna write about either. You should have learnt that by now. My titles are never relevant to what I end up writing about. Then again, what I write is not relevant. Period! :P

Decent day at office yesterday... Multiple ideas on what our theme for our part of the dance should be, so picked good points from each and collated it into a something presentable. Gotta get hold of the songs and start with the practice ASAP.

Jay sorry for having nodded off in the middle of the call last night... Yes I did nod off ****sheepish grin****! Stressful day at work :(

What do you reach for when you are stressed? I mean, I see people trying to deal with stress in ways as numerous as the number of people! Some grab a smoke, some have a drink, some curse out loud (****fingers pointing at self****), some blame God, some stuff themselves with food, some keep their feelings inside, some blame others (****fingers still pointing partially at self****). These reactions may calm us for a while, but they are temporary solutions to our problems. Nothing can take them away.

Anyway students, this morning's lesson will be about love! Yes the 4-letter phenomenon that causes men to go into the testosterone-overload mode and women into endless titter-spasms! The sentiment that is probably the greatest invention to the Bollywood director, on the same lines as the Wheel and Fire. A director can do without underwear in his pants, but not without "love" in his movie!

Spotting a UFO on my way to the gym would be easier than finding a spot which does not shelter the ubiquitous girl-boy couple, hand in hands, infested with shy smiles and shy-er giggles. If you have shifted to Earth very recently, its a different matter, but if you have been around for anything more than 10 minutes, then you would have heard of this word, which is as common as the public toilet in a dysentric locality.

Mistake me not, I'm not talking about the brotherly/sisterly love or fatherly/motherly love or any such crap. I'm talking about the non-platonic version of love or, as I prefer, "Louwww".

Somehow the way Love is used, with the abandon of a drunk monkey, it gives me a weird feeling. No maybe somewhere, sometime I have used it with the same cavalier attitude too. I'm not proud of it.

Sometimes when we say we "love" someone, we want that someone to love us back. And that need is really desperate. Its not love then, its need. As long as you want or need this person, you do not "love" her, but yourself and you want "to be loved". Love was not meant to be selfish, but selfless, and hence much harder. Love is not sharing a beer on a hot day, but staying thirsty if it helps her. Love is not in her coming to you, but in caring for her, knowing she'd never come to you.

Love is not like they show in "Main hoon naa" where violins and saxophones erupt into melody, the moment your dreamgirl comes walking in. Love's beauty is in smiling through your pain, just because she smiled somewhere, no longer aware of your existence. Love is not about wanting her, but in wanting her happiness, regardless of whether it is with or without you.

Love has too often been used as a cover for selfish desires. Unconditional love should not allow others to damage our heart, because they will be beating on our chest from within the circle of our arms. Its how close you hold someone you love that counts.

Love is not about being creepy or turning stalker either. A friend of mine (won't name her) has got herself an admirer who uses the Lamest (note the capital) pick-up lines with her. Outrageously corny nicknames, tinged with diabetes-causing sweetness, constant concern about whether she's eating well, sleeping well. He uses all kinds of sob stories about his sordid affairs with other girls, just to get her to melt.

Another friend gets hit on by this guy, who thinks he's God's gift to women. He tries all official channels to get to spend some "quality" time with her, all the while "regaling" her with tall tales of his drug-induced stupors, as if its some uber-cool trend. Stop acting like a bloody wannabe!

I mean, guys, frankly, such stuff, it just makes the female BARF! Note the entire word in CAPITALS. You are just driving the female away, instead of doing anything remotely close to wooing her. I'm not saying crying is a bad thing, but damn dude, "Be a Man" is not chauvinistic either!

Garfield buddy, these things do not happen only to you... You have company, trust me!

From personal experience guys, your self-respect is most important thing. Do NOT lose your dignity to nothing and nobody. Put your past in a box and leave it behind a forgotten fence. Or if you don't wanna leave it behind, the least you can do is not dwell on it.

And yeah, don't lie. About the one you love/like or anyone at all. You ruin her reputation, yes, and your own too, because more than her, YOU become the butt of ridicule.

There was one guy I knew, who comes to me and tells me that a particular female was checking him out earlier and she even sent him a love letter. Coincidentally, I happened to know the girl he was talking about and out of curiosity I went and asked her. Turns out HE was the one checking her out, and HE was the one who sent her a love letter. I read the letter too... UGH! She told him, in no unclear terms, to F-off!

Why-fucking-lie???

Feeling: Perplexed!

Playlist: Mehfuz - Euphoria

Dumb and Dumber

2008-06-23T19:17:00.004-05:00

I started writing this with something else in mind, then decided to leave the soporific discourse for later. Frustrating, eh?? Well read the title, yeah that's me!

Mad day in office yesterday. Busloads of work, plus having to sit for a production issue call in a conference room that was express-ordered from the North Pole, plus having to go for parichay dance meeting, plus having to return and do something that would qualify as work for the day. Sheesh. Right, no more nagging...

Had gone for a coffee late in the evening after all this. Was sitting in the pantry, watching the sky, while trying to re-hydrate myself with the de-hydrated coffee. Clear, few clouds sprinkled here there, scattered light post-sunset, and then half-hour later (yes I was still there nursing the coffee-gone-cold) twinkling stars and an almost full moon, shining bright... A spectacle indeed!

So many times it happens, the sky just reflects your mood. Or maybe its we who search for ways to equate the skies with our mood. You know as in "gloomy sky", "bright sky". But then for those of us who are familiar with geography (count me out here, I had a crush on my 6th std geography teacher, so I don't remember much of the subject) know that the sky is not a tangible entity. A tree, a rock are solid existing objects, but a sky is a mere collection of clouds, lit up by refracted sunlight...

So I'm basically equating my feelings (which are real, if not tangible) with something that is not real, let alone tangible? Right, confused, lost, no idea where I'm going with this... Like Jay says, Chuck It...

Oh I never mentioned Jay, did I? She's a friend (yes its a She, what I call her is short for one of those endlessly long names like Jayashree or Jayamala or Jayalakshmi or Padmalakshmi... No wait, strike the last one, she's hot!) and a good one at that. I miss her, like I miss so many others. Damn!
She started blogging recently too, inspired by, ahem, yours truly! Jay buddy, sorry for being so abrupt last night, was really dog-tired, you have no clue.

Remember my colleague who met with an accident last week? Well he's still critical, his left leg had to be amputated at the hip on Saturday, and he's on dialysis right now as his kidneys have also started to fail. I am praying for him, that he returns to a life as close to normal as possible...

A single instant where rash driving and a drunk driver come together and you make it to the next instant with a waist partially torn out from your torso. Scary to even think of... I take my limbs for granted, I cannot imagine having to live the rest of my life without any one or all of them.

Angel went for De Taali on Saturday and she "loved" the movie! This is what you get for shirking work, Angel! I think I'll gift her tickets to the next show too, unless of course she gets me the long-overdue pasta and Nutella!
Something in her life worked out the way she wanted it to, so I'm super-happy for her! Congratulations buddy! :)
And no Angel, I haven't turned into a toad overnight so your curse did go KAAPPWIINNGG!! :D

Alex dog, you are yet to give me a name! Lets see how much spot-on you can be :P
And congrats on having cleared the Microsoft certification. I hope they view the nefarious means you employed, which they captured on tape and deal with you accordingly! :D

Something happened yesterday at office that gave me a slight sense of having successfully left a huge chunk of my past behind... All I hope is that the feeling was not or does not turn into a Pyrrhic Victory...

Sleepy...gotta hit gym...signing off...take care y'all...

Hope dance practice goes good atleast!

Mood: Emancipated!

Playlist: Talli - Ugly and Pagli

Pages from a Pervasive Past

2008-06-22T19:02:00.006-05:00

Sometimes a person can be pushed so far that they reach a point beyond fear; be it fear of persecution, fear of ridicule, fear of isolation or a fear of conscience. A point, a place where you find a strange peace, where you free yourself to do the right thing... Because sometimes, that's just about the hardest thing to do.

Its a question that used to nag me, gnaw at my insides a long long time ago. If I am desperately trying to hold on to something, and then comes along a call to do the right thing, would I be able to open my hand, release it and let it go? Would I be able to indulge in that particular act of personal downsizing? Will I be able to rid myself of the unnecessary things that continue to bind me to my past?

Downsizing is about pinching, restricting, cutting back while keeping yesterday's dreams alive. Divesting is about freedom, expression and dreaming new dreams. Sometimes can't have one without the other... And then the sense of freedom we experience is so much warped. Is that truly being happy?

Its like having a secret identity when you are not really doing something to merit the need of the same. But yes, once in a while you do need the space, just to be able to breath and feel some proximity to all that you have lost.

When you are scuba-diving in deep water, you are totally encircled by light, because the water tends to diffuse whatever little light you have. You're also weightless so there is no sense of gravity, hence you have absolutely no clue which way to go, to get out of the water.

Surrounded in that aura of light and weightlessness, its easy to get disoriented and lose your sense of direction. Like I wrote earlier, all we have to do is follow our bubbles because that damn thing is always right, whatever our limited sense of perception says.

The philosophy "If it feels good, it must be right" is false and hence dangerous. Our feelings can play all sorts of tricks on us. Its important not to be denying or repressing our feelings, because we can trust them. What we cannot trust is our interpretation of them.

Sometimes I feel Life moves on before We do...

No I do not know where all the above stemmed from! I guess I was just being true to my...hehe...true self! No wonder the title doesn't make sense when I read the post.

Anyway time to hit the gym! Just had 7 hours of consciousness on Sunday, so nothing much to write about the 1-day long weekend. Monday Morning blues have started to creep in already.

And before I sign off, breaking news... Many folks who did not read my older posts until much later tell me they wanted to leave comments but did not do so, because the post was so old. Comments are like compliments people, be they nice, indifferent or nasty! So if you wanna laud my effort, or curse me, feel free to comment. When or how much later you choose to do it, does not make a difference!

Have a great day folks!

Feel Like: YAWN!

Playlist: Mea Kulpa - Enigma

Every Song I sing, I sing for You

2008-06-22T06:58:00.001-05:00

This strip snippet is from the Calvin edition where he finds a barely alive raccoon and tries his best to save him. The little fellow succumbs to his injuries despite Calvin's and his folks' efforts. This strip is probably one of the few ones where Bill Watterson actually portrays Calvin in a serious, emotional light...

When I read this, there was something in the screenshot that I could relate to in my own life... Like Calvin said, sometimes we meet people who we did not know even existed until a few days ago. And then they leave forever. We had to say Goodbye as soon as we said Hello. What was the point of bringing them into my life and then taking them away? Mean or Arbitrary, I am yet to figure that part out... And still in some way, I am happy I met them. And I'm sure wishing, hoping, praying earnestly that some who are here, don't go anywhere...

I could use a hug right about now...

A small offering for someone. The most I can do...

If you are gonna love me, love me now
Love me when I'm living, not when I am no more
Tell me what you want, don't wait until I'm gone
To have your words, chiseled in marble, on ice-cold stone

No I'm not gonna preach that to let true love remain unspoken is the quickest route to a heavy heart! Those who cannot practise, preach, so I'm definitely not qualified to impart knowledge. Plus if I preach, some of you out there who are taller and bigger than me, might just decide to sit on me!

Ahh... Yesterday was a work day at office... Damn! So I made up for the lost sleep today... Slept for a straight 15 hours! And I'm the kinda guy who sleeps at 10pm and wakes up at 4am! Although, must admit, feels good to break free once in a while.

Angel, the mango is safe from you now. Its in my tummy! The pasta's next in queue!

Current Mood: Somehow, I feel like a Superstar!

Music: Superstar - Jamelia (that explains it!!)

Mundu Mishaps

2008-06-20T18:36:00.002-05:00

Guess who just became Mr.APL, where APL is the project I work in! Yes you got it right, the sweeper on my floor! Being the only one dressed in something remotely ethnic had its advantages!

Ravi had to put that mundu on me yesterday morning... Took about an hour, since I wasn't comfortable with it either! Plus the stupid thing refuses to stay in place... To top it all, thing kept falling off... Ravi asked to put on a belt too, but then I wanted to make it authentic Mallu! Kept a belt in the bag, just in case, it turned out safe is better than sorry... As the day progressed, safe did turn out to be better than sorry!

Work transport yesterday was Ralph's car. The moment I got out of the damn car, the wind struck! And a security bloke standing in the vicinity got a glimpse of my lower limbs! Was walking to the building, trying not to be the male counterpart of Marilyn Monroe... Made it to my desk, made everyone's day a little more surreal too :P

Had a photo shoot sometime in the afternoon, and thanks to Mr.Aeolus, my mundu came undone just as someone yelled Cheese! Sheesh, I had to take off as soon as the photo shoot was done to salvage whatever little of my reputation was left :P
That was the reason I missed the finals... :(

Ahh, anyway! Gowri's last day in Infy yesterday, reason being she will be taking her deadly vows pretty soon... Monkeyface leaving too :'(.... Is it seriously time to be moving on??

I didnt even have lunch yesterday... Going to Subway would have meant facing the omnidirectional winds and having a potential repeat telecast of the college "Gone with the wind" episode on my hands!

Oh I forgot! Angel got me a mango yesterday! Luscious and home-grown! She got it only after I threatened her with dire consequences though :P
Thanks a ton Angel, its mango for dessert tonight!

Mood: Life's a beautiful bitch!

Playing: Burn It up - R.Kelly Feat. Wisin and Yandel

Pre-Mundu Premonitions!

2008-06-19T18:02:00.002-05:00

A colleague of mine said at work yesterday that I looked very happy. I was like "HUH"! Hehe!! I don't know what caused that statement, but my reaction was genuine!

Shilpi's been invisible past few days. Normally she pings everyday. Guess Walmart has finally gotten to her. I know how that can be. Even Sujanya's been busy. Alex (jobless dog) is supposed to be studying for his Microsoft certification, but all he does is sit on gmail the entire day, bugging "hard-working" people to know what's happening on the BB! :P

There is some ethnic day event for RETL folks in office today. 5 in the morning and I'm still contemplating as to whether I should go to office in Mallu-ably immortalised attire! I'm talking about the whole mundu setup. That thing is a nightmare!

The first time I tied the mundu was in college for 4th year Onam celebrations! Ok, I said I tied it, and that is fibbing because I didn't tie it, or more like I couldn't tie it. Initially I just wrapped it around my waist, like I wrap my towel, and set off to the pandal where the the celebrations were. 100m from the hostel, my mundu decided it was time to let go. Literally! Damn! And my friends, bloody dogs.....well you can guess what happened!

Somehow some kind souls recovered my mundu and re-covered my unclothed bottom half! And I had to wear a belt on that thing to prevent a repeat telecast of the earlier episode.

The first time I wore mundu in Infy, my lead happened to be a Mallu and she was a gem of a lady! She helped put that thing on and it stayed without the belt. Lets see, what happens today!

Angel calls me a fraud Mallu. "I colpevoli eccepire"! Well I don't speak Malayalam, I can't tie the mundu, probably its just my name that gives my being Mallu away!

Another colleague of mine rammed his bike into a water tanker 2 days ago. He was in dire need of blood, though now his BP is back to normal. He is still in a critical condition and in the ICU. I guess he has an improved knowledge of what the underside of a tanker looks like now.

Its strange sometimes how a memory can come out of nowhere and captivate an immense portion of your time. In the midst of typing this, as my roommate is stirring restlessly, thanks to "Dragula" blaring in the room (courtesy me), a sudden flash recollection of a voice reminds you of something you haven't thought about in a while
Something you have been training yourself not to think about
Something you know will mess up your life if you dwell on it
Something that maybe is not destined to be with you at all
Something you care about, but are not required to
Something you forced yourself into believing that it doesn't belong to you
Something that you are still trying to convince yourself that you don't care about.

There was a song, a tune, that carries a voice to your mind... And then the memories came back... Like a flash flood... And everything came to a standstill, the time, the music, your breathing becomes shallow, your heart skips a beat... You remember your brain spinning, you remember lowering your head in embarassment, you remember the smile that you never saw...

The smile, hits you like a phenomenon, rushes through you, and leaves you too, like everything else... But the effects stay... for hours afterward. And the memories come back.
Memories of wanting to see the smile, just so you know how it feels to see it.
Memories of wanting to see it only for you.
Memories of not being able to call a number you know by heart.
Memories of the countless insomniac nights.
Memories of the multiple resolves, never kept.
Memories of the strength it took to break every resolve.
Memories of having turned your head 180 degrees everytime.
Memories of going for the coffee, you never wanted.
Memories of gulping down all the water next to you, just to go fill up.
Memories of talking about something when all you wanted to do was stare.
Memories of doing all this, though you shouldn't have allowed it to matter so much.

Nobody saw your head turn. Nobody knows why you turned. You covered it up from everyone...but yourself... Can you hide it from yourself? Can you keep yourself safe from getting hurt? Can you give anyone a right to hurt you? The feeling is safe from the world, somewhere deep inside you... But is it safe from you? Can it ever be safe enough?

If...Else...End-If.

Goto If.

No Exit.

Current Mood: Apprehensive

On the Playlist: Dragula - Rob Zombie

Foot in Mouth!

2008-06-18T18:56:00.003-05:00

I made a complete ass of myself yesterday, somewhere around 2:51 P.M.! Angel, you know what I'm talking about, so ouch!! Damn I stood up, and then I ducked back down to bang my head against the desk and hurl a few curses at myself for not having made a certain connection! Well it wasn't something I was expecting in my wildest dreams anyway!

Yesterday was a good day!! Probably because Alex was on leave! Did not follow the BB at all... It was anyway full of some "Are we truly rich" over-the-head talk, so I am glad I did not add my 2-bit it to it! :P

People say my posts are too long! Some really good friends said it too... Well its not like I start with the intention of writing a thesis, but my mind does go cantering outta control. I don't hold the reins to my thought process!

I went on a long drive last night! After a really really long time... I am a person who generally sleeps by 10 pm... But I really had to clear my head last night! Grabbed the keys, donned the helmet and hit the road... 15 kms later, it was blissful slumber!

My long drives of earlier used to be the really rash kinds... Used to just take off when I was super-frustrated... Last night was not one of those though! That was just a had-a-reason-to-smile drive! But I have had close shaves during my earlier vent-the-frustration drives!

No I do not intend to turn this into a "drive carefully, your dog is waiting at home" sermon! But it is true that everytime you hit the road, there are people out there who want you to stay alive, primarily because you owe most of them humongous amounts of money!

For Jaimin, who is trying to fill up the void(s) in her life... Jaimin buddy, however pissed I am with you, and however shitty your life turns out to be, we are there for you always! Yeah it sounds right out of Ekta Kapoor's latest script maybe.... But I'd sooner be hooked up with Mamta Kulkarni than dole out bullshit I don't mean!

Don't give up on yourself! You are your last hope!

Here's my ode to my search for answers to the countless question marks in my life:

Is it because of the hypocrisy, that I feel this way?
Blue rays of misery, on my insides, pounding away
Lost in the past, adrift, far away from home
I wish it were so, would justify what I have become

I was getting better and then they broke my will to live
Made me ill, tore my foundations, stole everything I had to give
Flesh on my bones, defeated by my purpose, an existence I condone
A character of Wordsworth I became, wordy and alone

A multitude of angels gather round, all around
My neck under the guillotine, I make not a sound
Mounting dread as the avenging blade comes down
Blood drips darkly onto an impervious, thirsty tombstone

In abject fear, I called out a name
Even as nothingness enveloped me, a soft silky mane
A cry that fell on impersonal ears, devoid of care
This was my salvation, cold and bare.

I wish you meant nothing at all to me
I wish you weren’t what it took to set me free
I wish you hadn’t lit up my night, with a new lease of life
I wish you had cared, when I was fighting just to stay alive

Bitterness bursting forth, poisoned by accumulated venom
Love torn apart by hate and pain, in a mindless rhythm
An immense hatred of everything that is pure and pristine
Condemns my anger, vanquishing what was once serene

Grey clouds of betrayal make those memories vanish
Memories which once came closest to savouring bliss
The ecstasy stands soured, recollections turn gothic
“Think of happier times” now becomes ironic

The future shows me no places to go
Lights everywhere, but living seems so hollow
I need wings, beneath my feet, to keep me at the surface
As I drown in a whirlpool of my inexplicable caprice

Taking another chance after all my chances
Vaguely smiling at the ethereal hurt and my heart’s sclerosis
Warm Sunlight searing through my naked gloom
Slain by the sun, my madness is in full bloom

Current Mood: Contemplative

Jukebox: Engel - Rammstein